I never knew I had an easy life

I have been watching Roy's family for a few days now and although I cannot hold a conversation with most of them due to the language barrier, I have been able to conclude a few things. First, they are very close to each other in spite of the stories I have heard about family fights and arguments over how to handle family matters,etc. they are also quite different than what I expected from the stories I have heard. Roy's dad has 8 brothers and sisters all of which I have given a nickname previously to help remember them. There's naked uncle, short uncle, and South Africa uncle. Then there is projector cousin's mom, weird uncle aunt, and I love you aunt. (The 2nd oldest I have no name for and she isn't here to obtain one) They have all been very warm and friendly to me. The uncles have gotten us cold soda and helped carry the baby and forever ask me if I have eaten food yet today( one more day of rice and I'll surely die, first person to FedEx me a big plate of spaghetti and meatballs or a surf and turf meal with a side of fries gets a $1000).

What I have most realized is how privileged my life is. I have seen each aunt hand wash their clothes in the shower every morning and then hang it upstairs on the line to dry. They wash dishes as they are used and are forever straightening up the bed area and sweeping the floor with this little broom.  Here we walk to the corner store numerous times a day to get these little bags of milk, fruit, snacks or anything else we need. It is 3 stories- 6 flights up, with no elevator to get to the apartment. The fridge makes water Luke warm at best, so I am forever filling little ice cube trays of bottled water to add to the big bottle if water we got. I shower in a tiny bathroom where the water runs everywhere and the only ventilation is a small slatted window and the water is generally cold unless I am willing to wait on the hot which takes up to 10 min- never to come and then practically scalds you from the solar panel heated water tank on the roof.

It is truly a humbling feeling to be here and see how people live very happily without washers and dryers, hot water, air conditioning, dishwashers, electricity part time, or even quick self sufficient transportation to anywhere you can't walk to. Don't get me wrong, I miss those "necessities" but I feel like we have to keep it all in perspective when we have to buy the latest gadgets to replace last year's latest gadgets. We live a really easy life that we over complicate with so many material items. I am ashamed to say I never understood the depth of it until I came to India.

A dream?

I had the strangest dream the other night that I was in a small kitchen with a dozen other married Indian women stirring a broken pot full of sand with a small branch broom trying to get some popcorn to pop.  Then at one point the oldest woman put long red streaks on everyone's face and we poured oil over a handmade candle.    Oh wait, this really happened.......

 

Relative Overload

Today is the day before the wedding, so I knew it was crazy but being the forever optimist I am, I never believe it will be quite as bad as people say.  I have barely seen Roy in days- all he does is run around doing wedding things.  To save money, and fulfill our obligation to provide all food for the duration of the groom's family's stay we are transporting the food being cooked on the roof to the house on the other side of town where the groom's family is staying. (we being Roy)  In between that 3 times a day he goes out for misc vegetable items, water, fruit, milk, and a 2 page list I watched him put together this morning with the priest who will performing the wedding tomorrow.

Everyone was up early this morning and I thankfully decided to shower early, and luckily just in time as the bulk of the relatives arrived.  I haven't done a final count, but there is at least 23 people staying and sleeping here.  So, after their long train journey everyone of course wanted to shower which caused quite a situation in competing for 2 bathrooms.  Its funny because somehow the chaos has a method and each aunt knows her place and digs in to help including dishes, cleaning, making tea, getting things for others- its actually pretty amazing to watch.

My Father in Law has 8 brothers and sisters, and most of them are here with their spouse and a few have kids here, like this sweet little guy who is obsessed with our ipad: (and the dog)

The noise level has increased a lot in the last day, and most of which i do not understand which is something like background music that you don't know the words to.  Occasionally I hear my name and I try and tune into what might being said or asked, but its tough.  Almost nobody knows any English, so I mostly converse through translation. The aunt's are all very warm and welcoming and in true Bengali tradition all greeted me with gifts and money as this is standard practice when meeting a daughter in law for the first time.   I received a necklace, gold bangle, sheets/pillows, and a pendant for the gold chain i received from Roy's mom and dad earlier. I also received 2 pairs of earrings for Shivali even though she has yet to have her ear's pierced.  All beautiful and 22 K gold.   I also have a ton of Rs. 500 notes ($10) which I have yet to count, but is probably somewhere around $100.
In spite of not being able to speak to anyone, they are all very warm, welcoming, and accepting.  I feel very fortunate.

Here are some pics from today's pre-wedding ceremony- something like giving the bride away. All the elder relatives gave their blessings and fed Debika special foods while she was dressed up in her best. 

                                     
                                    

                                      

Roy is off again doing wedding errands so thankfully there hasn't been too much power interuption and i can get caught up on here and my other usual internet activities.  Tomorrow is the wedding!  Not sure what to expect, but i think it will be pretty fun so there will be lots to report for sure.
 

Wedding prep- day 2

Well, the craziness has officially set in with the arrival of several aunts and uncles who will be staying with us.  The house is feeling a little crowded and I am still well aware that many more are arriving tomorrow. Today we are going to make the final payment on the wedding hall and check over the place. I hear it is nice, but I have learned that 'nice' has a different meaning depending on who you ask.

The food on the roof is working out pretty well, except he apparently only knows how to cook Indian food so there goes my dreams of a bacon cheeseburger and curly fries for lunch.  Today we had fish which I was excited about when Roy said it was boneless that his uncle got specially for me. (All of their fish has bones, which like everything else nobody seems to really mind eating them or spitting them out as they eat) To my disappointment, the fish was full of bones, so I did my best to eat some and off we went to the wedding hall.

I have to say I really wasn't sure what to expect, but I was pleasantly surprised that it was clean and has unique architecture. We met with the manager lady who gave all the details and showed us around. There is a separate room where the marriage will actually happen and then a big eating hall. The place is colorful but fairly elegant, so we are happy. My only issue was the non working water fountain right at the entrance, which suggested to Roy they should have fixed immediately. I believe they said they will, but this type of agreement in India isn't always met with the expected results.

We had to rush home after a quick stop at the local McDonalds for nuggets and mcflurries (Roy agreed this would be an acceptable dinner for us as the dreaded Gobi....aka cauliflower curry was on the menu for tonight-yuck) because the Mehndi guy was coming( some of you may know it as Henna) which is the traditional hand and feet tattoo like process that a bride and all young women would have done for the wedding.   Check out some pics:

 

 

Next up- Relative overload!!!

 

 

Wedding prep- Day 1

Weddings take a lot of planning, that's true anywhere, but here it is like a moving target which definitely adds a layer of complexity to the process.   We have been talking about this wedding for so long, I should be prepared for what is coming but somehow when there was a knock at the door yesterday afternoon I was still surprised to see 2 very dark skinned, dirty guys carrying big piles of  blankets, pillows, and Indian style mattresses.  Shortly, all the living room furniture was being carried out and load after load was brought into our tiny apartment.
 
Later on, Roy went shopping for all the Indian staples- onions, garlic, potatoes, lentils, rice, spices.  All in huge quantities.  When they were done, our living room (called 'The Hall' in India) looked like this:

Next up:  the cooks.  Well, I was misled a little bit because these were the same guys who brought the tents and set them up, as well as all the cooking supplies.  I guess I expected them to look a little more cook-like, but I sometimes forget where I am. Rarely does India provide the expected.

All of the cooking and meal eating will be done on the roof of our apartment (most people here use the roof just for laundry drying or sometimes keeping plants or a place for kid's to play), which seems strange in theory but we tested it this afternoon and it seems like it will be just fine.   It may be of interest to note the Indian version of a paper plate made from a dried banana leaf!  Even Jordan didn't seem to mind (much...) but the potato curry and puri (fried bread) was really good.

I was, however, pleasantly surprised by the tents.  I expected hard white plastic tents or something similar to a camping tent, but instead we got this:   Pretty nice I thought.

I hear a few more people dropped out of the wedding, so I think we are down to 12 coming to stay here (in addition to us 8 who are already staying here).  I am not sure if this is common of not, I'm guessing it is (back to my moving target comment earlier) so we just keep adjusting and readjusting as needed.  As usual nobody seems to mind, so I try not to either. (and in this case it is somewhat of a good thing as I still am unable to visualize how we will get that many people in here)

That's about it, for today.  It has been a leisure day for the kids and I.  Kaila is working on homework, Jordan is listening to his ipod and pretending to do homework, and Miss Shivali is doing what she does best:

Tonight we are off to Commercial Street to shop. Picture this-  Narrow streets filled with vendors of all types, packed with shoppers, oh and they let you drive cars down these streets.  If I had to describe what it is like....hmmm..... it is kinda like going to a flea market at an ant hill while you're on crack.  It's good fun. I'll see if I can get some pics : )



India- just how I left it

It's only been 6 months, but it feels like forever since we've been here. India isn't very good at change, and in some respects this is good, but when you see the same ripped up streets and half finished apartment buildings it's apparent that the pace here is very different from the systematic, progressive changes in roads and buildings everyday back home.

In case anyone plans to visit Bangalore, January and February are the time to come. There is the most delightful breeze constantly blowing a warm 70 something degree air. Mornings are brisk, but very comfortable for us. Roy's Dad is shocked Jordan would even consider wearing shorts and keeps trying to put on Shivali's shoes to keep her off the apparent 'frigid' marble floors (which of course my little polar bear will have no part of).  Most people on the street are in winter hats and jackets so I guess outside of the obvious we stick out just a little in short sleeves and flip flops.

So, Bangalore- what can I say. Deemed a Metropolis, and still king of the BPO's, but to me I see still just an overcrowded jungle of confusion. Sure the malls are springing up and to people who have only seen small mom and pop shops they would seem amazing, and impressive nonetheless it is common to see shoeless people and bored people looking for somewhere to just sit.  We went to one of the big malls last night to get Kaila and Jordan some wedding clothes and had a good time looking around and getting some snacks. After arriving early morning and sleeping most of he day, Jordan was afraid we missed all the crowds and traffic he has heard so much about. Little did he know that 7 pm is rush hour and either he was shocked or in disbelief, I am still not sure which.  We got what we needed and got home just in time for a quick wedding discussion (T minus 4) and off to bed. Our combination Melatonin/sleeping pills/ vitamin C/probiotic are working great so far! I probably feel the best I ever had on any trip here.

So apparently a few relatives have dropped out and won't be attending the wedding, which still leaves 20 some in this tiny 2 bedroom apartment. Nobody seems too phased so I am going to try and go with the flow, but God only knows how this will work.  Apparently only 2 of them speak English so I am practicing my best smile and if all else fails I will haul out the Bengali book and start asking people where is the toilet or if they would like me to accompany them on the drums. It's a good plan B.

As I stand on the porch in the late afternoon sun, I realize I might have lied to you- things do change in Bangalore. This empty lot across from us used to be filled with weeds and garbage and now it is just moments away from becoming an apartment building.

And see this apartment building going up down the street- This was merely a shell just 6 short months ago.

Oh ya, and this person was freezing just 2 short days ago and now is basking in the 80 degree sun! LOL

Sili what????

There is a small section of India high in the north which lies between Nepal, Bangladesh, and Tibet.  The town is called Siliguri and on the 13th of next month I will take a Domestic flight there for my Sister-in-Law's wedding reception.  My to-be Brother-In-Law is from Siliguri and although the whole wedding was originally planned to take place there, by some act of God it was later moved to Bangalore where my in laws live most of the time currently.

So, and Indian wedding.....everyone knows of the bright colored clothing, the henna tattoo's, and the beautiful flowered decorated setting.  But, is this really the way Indian weddings are?   Well, chances are good those things will be included but what about the things nobody talks about?   What about the fact that most fathers save their whole lives to give their daughters a proper wedding?  What about the internal family struggles which go on between tradition and modern reality?  How do you organize such a large event in such a disorganized place?   I had all these questions and then some.

Well, here is what I know so far:   As I said, the wedding was moved to Bangalore a few months back due to my Father-In-Law's ongoing illness.  Although it is customary to have the wedding where the groom's family is from, luckily his family recognized how difficult this would be for my Father-In-Law and allowed it to be moved to where they are living now and he is receiving his chemo.

Because the bride's family holds most of the monetary obligation for the wedding (which in Indian terms more or less is also the responsibility of the oldest/only son of the family which just so happens to be the person I married- didn't see that in the fine print anywhere....grr), the costs can be really overwhelming due to all the customs and rules that apparently must be followed in order to provide a proper wedding.   These include a large amount of 22k gold jewelry for both bride and groom, clothes for bride and groom as well as groom's whole family, a whole suitcase of items ranging from a shaving kit to watches to makeup and everything in between, in addition to several wedding outfits of various fanciness level.  Oh and did I mention the bride's family also pays for the groom's family's transportation, room and board, and food for the entire time they are in attendance of the wedding which is usually the good part of the week.

To save money, apparently my in-laws thought it was a good idea to just have all of the Roy family members stay with us in their 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom Bangalore suburb apartment.  This apartment is currently inhabited by 4 people, which to most people here would be too many, so with us 5 it is painfully overcrowded so I'm having a hard time understanding how we will fit 20 some additional people in there.  I have been assured that we will have our 'usual' bedroom which includes an attached western bathroom which should seem like a luxury considering the rest of the people will share 1 other bedroom and a living room and 1 Indian style bathroom, but I'm really not sure I see a lot of luxury in my future.

Indian people seem to have an amazing ability to adapt to almost any circumstance.  Most of us would be appalled at the thought of curling up next to an aunt or an uncle or some long lost cousin, but either they truly don't mind or are just too polite to say anything.  I think its a mix of the two- but definitely there is a greater sense of family closeness than I would be comfortable with, so I guess I'll just sleep in a tiny bedroom with my 5 family members and try not to complain....

As for the wedding, in India there are generally 2 types of marriages:  Arranged or Love.    Arranged have a wide variety of options including not knowing the other person at all to being quite close to them and Love can either be a person of your choosing or a person that your parent's don't approve of or one that they do.    My sister-in-law's marriage is somewhere in between these two which is somewhat unique from what I can gather.   Her fiance is someone she worked with for years that obviously really liked her and he hung around long enough and knew the family well enough for them to decide this is someone that she should probably marry.   I think she saw him as a friend but still agreed and for the last 2 years has been 'engaged' to him for lack of a better term.  Due to some family deaths and my father-in-law's illness, the wedding has been postponed several times. I think the uniqueness of their arrangement has finally taken its toll in the last month when I started to learn that she was starting to vocalize her lack of desire to marry him.   Well, a few tense phone calls  and a few 'almost' plane trips for Roy home and she was convinced to just forget about any doubts she has and go with it.   I feel kinda bad about this, but from what I've learned, a runaway bride is somewhat; lets say 'frowned upon' there....meaning there is a good chance the father would be so disgraced by a cancelled wedding due to this circumstance that he will either commit suicide or kill the whole family.  I didn't care to test this theory at all, and took matters into my own hands and sat for over an hour on the webcam convincing her he was a good guy and she was doing the right thing.

I think my husband is counting down the days until it is over and I think it will be a lot of stress gone for everyone once it is over and in Indian culture, she will no longer be our responsibility, as it is the case that when a girl is married she becomes part of the groom's family.  The good news for her is he has his own apartment in Bangalore and she isn't joining some big joint family, but that's more my opinion than hers.  Some people seem to like those big joint families, but for me it's a little unimaginable.

This will be the first time I am meeting my husband's extended family so I'm sure there will be the uncomfortable stares, awkward moments when I have no clue what they said, and the lonely (on my part) moments when everyone is speaking Bengali and until someone mentions shoes, water, monkey's, oranges, or one of the other few Bengali words I know I will be sitting and listening to what might as well be background music while they are all visiting and chatting about God-knows-what.  At least Kaila and Jordan will be there to visit with and Shivali is always a good distraction, even though I'm sure she will be busy entertaining my in laws most of the time.

So, as you can imagine by now this may very well be my best adventure yet.  To a logistics person the lack of organization and constant changes are enough to send me to the mental hospital, but I am going to do my best to surrender to India and just go with it.  I can't promise every moment will be glamorous, but I know for sure it will be something to blog about.  Flight leaves Wednesday!