Your strength is your weekness

Spirited conversations are nothing new for my husband and I.  We have always spent a lot of time talking and discussing various topics, generally with a lot of passion and conviction for our particular points.  It wasn't until a particular conversation that we had earlier this week, that I had a true 'aha' moment which brought me back to thinking about the compare and contrast I planned to discuss about the US and India.

This particular conversation was centered around my tendency to be a bit controlling.  It isn't something I try or even something I realize, it just is who I am.  I know there are times when I can go a little overboard and as I get older and am able to step back and examine myself better, I do realize this and attempt to correct it when possible.

As I explained my necessity to provide 'helpful' driving instructions to my husband, something really brilliant dawned on me.  Every strength can be its own weakness.  I was particularly moved by this idea in the fact that he is forever impressed by my ability to simultaneously handle a full time, sometimes stressful professional job, the majority of the household responsibilities, kids, bills, shopping, and planning for vacations/time off/home improvements, etc.  While I feel this is rather normal for most women I know, I do feel he is genuinely impressed with how I handle everything.

What I realized through this conversation is that my talent for managing things is also my downfall in sometimes going a little overboard.  I am not sure you can have one without the other.  I do believe that all things should come in a manageable quantity, but overindulgence of anything is rarely a good thing.

As I think about how this might apply to America, one might think that a wealthy and powerful country has no weakness, but this is indisputably untrue.  Most people I know have more than enough money to survive, and not just survive in terms of having basic necessities.  They have more than enough, and in fact what almost anyone would consider excessive. Their kids have hundreds of toys and ever so often more come in, but few go out. Most are not overly played with, some are neglected and abused and most people wouldn't pay much attention to this 'normal' fact about kids.  My husband likes to tell the story of having 1 toy growing up- a toy airplane.  Not 1 toy for a particular birthday or 1 baby toy- 1 total.  Just let that sink in a moment.

So, a country so wealthy and powerful thinks that providing their children with every toy, electronic, style of clothing, shoe, etc item is a good idea?  I have definitely learned to appreciate the downside of wealth.  Having grown up being enamored by celebrities and people on TV with their big houses and 10 cars and big closets full of millions of dollars of designer clothing, I now realize how truly bad this is and how out of touch with the reality of the world these people are.  It is sad. Sad for them, sad for us, and sad for the world to watch them and look up to them.

Now don't get me wrong, I like nice things as much as anyone, but what I do know for sure is that more is not more and having a simple, streamlined life is truly more beneficial than having access to anything you could want.

On the flip side, when I think of one of India's strengths, the one thing that comes to mind is the kindness of Indian people. Always wanting to please, not wanting to deliver bad news or a negative message (even if it is true) They avoid conflict and therefore are generally considered peaceful, spiritual, and kind.  Sounds like a good thing, right?  And it is, but from my observation it is this passive attitude that is one of the main contributors to India's inability to move steadily forward.  Many people don't want to get involved, and are content with things being as they always have, even though some know there are other ways.  As with any change comes contention, disruption, and  a need for cooperation- all the things that don't seem to go over well in India.  Don't get me wrong, Indian people are the most adaptive of anyone I have ever met in my life, but I think there is some unwritten rule that says if it is permanent then it bugs them.

India is one of the most ancient societies to still be somewhat intact today, with much of the same cultural values, religious beliefs, and social structure which is one of the things that makes India interesting, unique, and a true phenomenon to observe and understand.  But, when it comes to change and the people of India welcoming change and wanting to implement change in their daily lives, this is where the strength becomes a weakness.

For me, this realization is just part of my journey to better understand myself and 'get better at life' as a good friend once said to me.  It is a complicated formula, which has no set recipe and the ingredients seem to get more complicated and hard to find the more I get into it:

• 3 parts dedication
• 2 parts desire to change
• 4 parts realization you don't know everything
• 1 part open mindedness
• 2 parts love

Between a Rock and Hard Place.

Having spent my entire life in small town USA has granted me certain privileges.  The privilege of forgetting to lock my door, and not being overly concerned about a break-in. The privilege of regularly running into people I went to high school or even grade school with and being able to easily recognize each other and being open enough to stop and chat.  The privilege of living in a clean city, with genuinely friendly people where I have room to run, things I want and need are affordable, and I have access to almost anything I could ever dream of.   However, living in a small town means minimal cultural diversity and what is here stands out like a turd in a punch bowl.

I can't ever remember a time when I felt racist, although I do remember being somewhat fascinated by the look and volume of black people in Milwaukee during the first couple trips we took there when I was a kid. I look back and laugh at that thought now, how I used to try and stare without being noticed but more than likely looked like a tourist in my own state.

There were the pockets of Asian children in my high school- mainly Hmong, more than likely refugees. To be honest, I never took the time to find out where they were from or why they were here.  I look at that now as an opportunity lost.  The chance to get to know someone else from somewhere far away who might just teach you something you haven't thought of before.

Over the last 6 years as I have learned about India and it's millions of traditions, languages, and cultural nuances I feel I have been given an opportunity to dig deeper into life.  Not just life as I know it, but life as another group of people on the other side of our same planet know it.  I'm not going to lie, it hasn't been easy and there are plenty of things I have learned about that I don't like but at least I feel like I have been given a chance to choose.  To choose to either stick with what I know to be correct or take another path based on some other exposure that feels more comfortable to me.

During this process, there has been plenty of time that friends and relatives have either given me the feeling or even accused me of seeming 'brainwashed'.  This hurts in a spot that I will never be able to articulate.  I am not a naive 12 year old girl- I've lived 40 years on this planet and am an educated, successful person who lives a fairly straight-laced life.  I'm not and have never been addicted to anything (ok, maybe cigarettes when I was 18 and probably mint brownies now) but, I'm not a big drinker and most certainly never a drug addict. So, just because I have begun to challenge some of the 'norms' I was raised with, why does that make me brain-washed?   ESPECIALLY when attempting to implement a better quality of life (obviously I am not talking about someone who would try to rationalize any type of bad, abusive, or neglectful behavior)

I'm not going to dwell on that, reason being is I do truly feel fortunate to have been exposed to something totally new and different. Not everyone is so fortunate, so how can I expect them to understand?  I say this with the most utmost of seriousness and not to sound condescending, because a person can only process and understand what they are exposed to and not many go out in search for more.  It reminds me of a story I read in college- Plato's Allegory of the Cave.  People believe what they are exposed to and have a hard time accepting anything else.  Read on your own, if you are so inclined:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_Cave

I want to spend some time going into detail on some subjects that I feel passionate about through being exposed to a different way of handling it.  Topics like:  Greed, Parenting, Selflessness, and Commitment.

Thinking about these subjects differently is a process, it's like putting a little rock in the way of a heavy door.  Just enough to hear or see a little crack of what's going on in the other room.  Enough to be intrigued, enough to be lured, enough to wonder if they might be having more fun in there and you might want to join.

The stats called....

I sometimes periodically check the stats of my blog throughout the year, although I originally started this just to share information while traveling throughout India.   I found something interesting the other day, that I am getting a lot of page views every month in spite of not posting anything new.

Encouraged by this idea, I thought it might be time to share some other information from my daily life.
This poses an interesting problem for me, being a fairly private person how do I outlet my thoughts and experiences without over sharing and exposing myself to judgement?

I spent the last several weeks thinking over this and have come to the conclusion that I don't care.
I consider myself fortunate to be of the mentality of truly not minding what other people think, which allows me to openly share my thoughts and experiences and leave the rest up to your perception.

Without getting too deep, I have always thought that perception and reality were strange things.  If you really think about it, there is no reality, there is only reality as you know- how you perceive it.  Your upbringing, exposure, and environment create this and then eventually your personality and natural tendencies kick in and form opinions, feelings, and judgments.

This leads me into the topic for my first non-India travel blog post which is basically about how my perception and thoughts have changed since broadening my exposure and knowledge through a multicultural relationship.   Interested?  Do check back- and as always, feel free to click 'follow' or to share, sign of up for RSS feeds or just jump on when your bored, annoyed, or just want a little entertainment. I'll be here.

A Ritual to Remember

As you probably recall, the purpose of this trip to India was to complete the 1 year death rituals for my FIL to 'cleanse' the family of the death.  We strategically planned it for June 9, the day before Shivali's 3rd birthday, because you should not celebrate any holidays or events during that one year post death and it was necessary for us to be super clean by June 10th so we could throw a party.

A few details about these rituals I was not privy to:

1. You cannot eat non-veg food the day before and the day of the ritual.  Not a big deal for most people here as being a vegetarian is India is as common as being chunky in America.  However, we aren't raised like this and there are times it can pose a challenge, but between rice, Indian spicy mixed vegetables, and the mac and cheese boxes we brought from home we managed just fine. 

2. Roy was supposed to shave his head. There are only 2 times in a Hindu males life when he shaves his head- when his father dies and again when his mother dies. (Unless he is balding, then I think anything goes)  Of course, like everything here they are technicalities and loopholes to consider and the ever present absence of details.  Apparently on the 1 year anniversary ritual of the mother and father's death he should also shave his head, so obviously I was not thrilled about that idea but it is not something I can do more than roll my eyes about.  The good news is that the relatives decided it was not necessary, so my husband's beautiful head of hair is still fully intact.

The rituals were set to take place around noon, so Roy is not supposed eat or hardly drink prior.  I partially feel bad for him, but on the other hand, it is always the women in Hindu religion that do all the fasting and sacrificing so I think if he has to skip a few meals for the sake of his Father he will be just fine.

Roy showered and dressed in his basic white cloth that the priest brought along and prepared for what would amount to 3 hours sitting cross-legged on the marble floor.  I am always amazed to watch this priest do his thing because I can't decide if he is just really methodical or he makes it up as he goes along.  He systemically puts flowers together with leaves and nuts with rice stirred together in a small pot.  He puts incense sticks into tiny bananas and chants in Sanskrit to an almost song-type melody.  He is quite interesting to watch and has commented to the family before how intently I watch him, although I think he is just accustomed to Indian behavior at religious events which consists of tuning in and out, talking and walking out of the room for undefined periods of time.

When it was all said and done, everyone was exhausted and we feasted on a meal of rice with Mutter Paneer (Peas and cheese) and just lounged around.   Roy and I decided to go out and order a birthday cake for Shivali's birthday and maybe grab a snack.  I feel bad for not bringing her birthday present along, but it is huge and we all know a 3 year old can only handle so many presents at once.

I was surprised to learn that apparently one of the Aunts suggested we have another type of auspicious ritual for Shivali's birthday to celebrate the cleansing as well as bless her. Apparently it is a bad omen to even imply that ritual shouldn't happen after someone else suggests it, but I was pretty much ritualed out at that point.  For whatever reason they decided the priest should come over again at 7am the next morning.  Knowing we hardly ever go to bed before 11 or midnight, I wasn't sure how this would be possible but at least it would give me something to write about.

I woke up this morning around 6:30 and panicked for a second thinking I wouldn't have enough time to be ready (everyone in the house needs to be showered and the house should be clean before the priest comes).  I quickly jumped into the shower thinking I would be one of the first done and then be able to lounge around.  I shouldn't have been surprised upon existing our room to find everyone else still sleeping at 7am.  They were shocked I was ready and Naked Uncle commented 'That is the reason her country runs so smoothly and ours is a mess' or something to that degree.   The priest didn't show up until at least 11 this morning and this time I did feel bad for Roy who again couldn't eat before the ritual.

These rituals are shorter and less complicated and luckily involve no head shaving, big white bed sheets, or multiple hours on the floor.  They do, however, involve a fire which is generally my favorite part. This time all various fruits were cut up and offered to the god, which will eventually be blessed and ours to eat. I was happy to see they got pomegranate and watermelon- yum.

It is always interesting to me to watch how into the rituals the older women are.  Although I don't understand everything and it is a tad ritualistic for my taste, I always admire people with such passion and dedication to anything.  They take the rituals every serious and cherish every item blessed by the priest like it is made of gold.  It isn't until the priest leaves that everyone complains about him, including his lack of punctuality and his blunt request for additional fees.  Like most things in India, even the ritual process is contradictory and confusing.

I guess tonight we are going out shopping, which I always enjoy.  Still not sure what is going on the rest of the trip as I also learned the relatives are staying until the 15th which is just a day and a half before we leave.  As always, I somehow manage to adjust and even find myself enjoying our interaction (although 99% through translation).  We spent a large amount of time this morning (while waiting for the priest) talking about America and how things are done, how homes are built, money, food, etc. I truly appreciate their willingness and desire to learn about my world and never wanting to impose theirs on me.

Home is where the heart is....

As I am finishing up the last packing of our 8 suitcases in preparation for our 1:40am departure I always like to reflect on my time in India.

India and I have a love-hate relationship. Neither one of us like to adjust much, but expect the other to conform to our individual standards. In the end, we both end up bending in a little and somehow we end up getting along. 

It might be the auto rickshaw driver who tries to talk some broken English to me because it may be the one and only time he has transported a white person, or the returned smile that speaks no language but instantly connects strangers as both humans. It is these times when India feels way less foreign to me and maybe somewhere I could live part time someday- who knows.

I woke up at 2am last night and everything was quiet outside- not just India quiet, but truly silent with no dogs barking or bikes going by and there was the most glorious cool breeze coming in the window. Like an apologetic child, Bangalore was seemingly sorry for the torture it puts me through everytime I visit.

No hard feelings Bangalore, you know I'll be back.

Strictly Indian, but I have tried it...

Having been to India 6 or 7 times now, I have witnessed some things here that I have never seen or heard of anywhere else. Some are odd, others endearing, but all are unique to India and I'm proud to say I have tried them all.

• Eating on the floor

• Eating with my hand

• No TP bathrooms

• Washing my clothes in the shower with me and hanging them out on the roof to dry

• Street food

• Sharing bottles of water with large groups of family members without putting your mouth on the bottle

• Riding in an auto rickshaw all over town and knowing by sight which ones will be more comfortable and spacious 

• Not flinching when the motorcycle you are on squeezes between 2 buses just to continue weaving in and out or bumper to bumper traffic while avoiding frequent speed bumps and the occasional dog, cow, and person

• Butting ahead in line because I can

• Wearing a 5lb fully hand beaded silk sari all around town with 22k gold jewelry- and fitting in just fine (and loving it!)

• Waving off beggars and street vendors with a flippant hand gesture and firm NO

• Touching your elder's feet when they arrive and leave (and watching them gush  and melt over the gesture)

• Automatically moving off to the side at the sound of a horn beep (and not panicking) in a place where cars and motorcycles shouldn't be, but they are ultimately always present

I am positive there are more, but that is all I can think of now. I'll do a part 2 if I can come up with more.

It's not a zoo...

Although Roy called it a zoo, probably for the purpose of Shivali's understanding I soon found out that Bannerghatta National Park was more of a nature preserve than animals in cages, which I liked.

We had rented the same type of van/driver that we used to go to Mysore the day before but luckily the drive is only a fraction of the distance.  We had the whole family along today as it was a Saturday and everyone was available, all 13 of us!

We decided to first go on the Safari which is the highlight if the park. It was still cool and the crowds were low, so best to take advantage now. We boarded a big bus with bars on the windows, and just a small hole to view out but there was a glass partician you could pull over the window in the event an animal tried to attack you (I am guessing)

The safari was something like the Kiliminjaro Safari at Disney's Animal kingdom, except authentic and way more rustic.

The animal groupings are separated by fences with gates the bus enters through. We first saw bears, and yes the walk right up to the bus

Then elephants

And my favorite, the lions and tigers

These two circled the bus for a few minutes and we got some good shots.

Outside of the safari, there was the a few caged animals and a playground and eating area. I managed to find a few funny moments like this sign- not sure what this all involves:

Oh and this wild dinosaur...oh no it's just Naked Uncle:

 Oh and here is our zoo watching their zoo

And the ever present photo sessions!

Oh and if you ever wondered how many relatives you can fit in a bedroom, here is the answer: