The Home Field Advantage

I've written a lot about my experiences as an outsider when I was in India, but I thought it would make an interesting spin to talk about my experiences when India came to me.

One cold winter day in March, we made the 3 1/2 hour drive to Chicago to pick up my Mother in Law and youngest Sister in Law from O'hare airport.  I've waited outside those gates more times than I can remember but when they finally appeared, it was part happiness (as I hadn't seen either in over a year) and part hesitation knowing that there was a lot of uncertainty in what we were about to start.

My mother in law had been here in year previous for 3 months, during one of the worst winters in history.  Although the snow and cold seemed like a novelty at first, I could tell within a short time that our sub zero weather was not going to be to her liking.   We figured spring and summer would be a much better time for future visits.

In the over 4 months since they have been here, I have found myself beginning to feel some of the old feelings of uneasy and uncomfortable that I feel when I am in India.  Although our accommodations here are much bigger in size, having extended house guests of a sort is not something I have any experience with.  Not as a child or even a young adult.  I didn't live with room mates or visit extended family members- nothing.

From what I have observed, extended house guests is rather routine in India. Unlike here where you would have parents or relatives stay a few days or max a week, I have heard of multiple week - multiple month stays which has always perplexed me a bit.  How can you just open your house up to relatives for so long and disrupt your life? Why don't they just stay in a hotel?

It never ceases to amaze me how many of my friends and family will appear shocked when I begin to explain our current house population.  They frequently ask if my MIL will stay forever and will she have her own apartment.  They ask how we get along and what we eat, which sometimes makes us sound like zoo animals (not always far from reality).

The reality is that having extended family get their own apartment or stay at a hotel would be the ultimate in rude.  Although I have to admit, I was not always so open to the idea, I realize now how insulting and impractical it would be.  They came here to spend time with us, but we are sending them some place else?  Nope.

Once again I amaze myself at my ability to adapt, and although I don't enjoy every moment and I do many times miss my personal space, I have found their visit to be enlightening, entertaining, and very eye opening.  

You see, when you visit extended family in India, you would have to learn to adapt to house rules and norms, but in India they say 'Guest is God' so I think you generally get treated pretty well.  So what we have done here isn't as simple. This is a cross-cultural, cross-continental, cross-religion, cross-lingual experience.   We don't speak the same, eat the same, dress the same, have the same pressures, concerns, upbringing, needs, challenges, or wishes.  What could go wrong, right?

I believe Roy and I were brought together by our unique abilities to adapt, flex, and fight for the greater good.  We both frequently talk about forward thinking that many people don't understand or appreciate.  We make plans well into the future, although we are seemingly directionless and spontaneous to our friends and family.  Although I can't say I have thought through and planned out every challenge we were going to encounter, I knew they would be there and I knew we would get through them.

A few of the specific challenges come from the ever present need to eat.  Simple, right? Someone makes food, we eat and we move on. Sure. Obviously food preferences vary a lot from India to America.  We have a lot of fusion food and many people I know enjoy the novelty of a occasional trip to the Indian buffet, and from what I observed in India, world foods are becoming more common- pizza, pasta, etc.

The act of trying to please everyone's food taste on a daily basis truly is daunting. While I have learned to enjoy many Indian dishes, I by no means want it everyday.  I also never put much thought into how quickly we prepare American meals due to all the conveniences and pre-packaged items we have at our disposal.  My fast paced life isn't necessarily conducive to spending 1.5 hrs making a meal after I just worked 9 hrs and drove 45 min home.   With so many extra people in the house, I don't believe the expectation is there for me to make it, but I also am not sure.  In India, a daughter in law would be responsible for most of the cooking and cleaning in a joint family- but we all know this isn't India and I am not an Indian daughter-in-law!!

So therein lies the problem.  The logistics of cooking is exhausting.  Because I work from home partially and Roy full time and everyone is on a different schedule, I find myself frequently reverting to my American ways and just starting to make something simple for myself when I get up or have a free moment between calls.   Although my mother didn't work outside the house until I was a teenager, we were raised quite independent from a young age when it comes to helping yourself for breakfast or certain meals when they would be away.  I am accustomed to this, instilled a similar practice with my own kids, and am very comfortable with this.  

Recently this has made me feel very uncomfortable because I feel like there is an unsaid expectation I should be cooking something for everyone.  Being on such different schedules with different pressures, I don't feel this is realistic for many meals.  But as with most things in this complex situation, it is something you have to address carefully and cautiously.  It's a fine balance and a constant shift and judgement of what is right for that moment and that situation.

Another challenge is lifestyle in general.  Because Roy and I work high pressure careers, we frequently look for 'down time' or ways to relax and do nothing.   Although my MIL and SIL keep busy with housework and tasks with Shivali, they really find little else to keep them entertained other than TV and movies.  So their 'down time' likely would consist of something exciting or entertaining.  Over the months, I think this has become a big challenge and while we have taken several smaller trips away and eat out frequently and shop I'm never sure if it is enough. Mid-west America isn't exactly the theme of most Hollywood movies, so maybe our idea of excitement or the lack of ability to walk or get around places on your own power has become a little more than they bargained for.

Yet the positives do peek out here and there.  Shivali has learned to understand most Bengali phrases, in fact she amazes me when she listens to a whole statement and answers in English what appears to be an appropriate response.   Even Jordan has picked up a lot! I hear enough to understand much more than previous,sometimes just basic concepts of the conversation and the occasional feeling I am being spoken about.   Through all the challenges of preparing our home to sell and start our home building process, my MIL and SIL have been instrumental in cleaning, de-cluttering, and the almost impossible task of maintaining it all with my schedule and a 4 year old tornado int he house.  It has taken a lot of weight off me having the luxury of assistance in the home to the degree that they provide.

In spite of all the differences, we have once again proved that dedication and resilience prevails. It can be done and it came be rather successful and mutually satisfying.  There are so many benefits I continue to find in learning new things and exposure to different concepts.  There are definitely times when these benefits compete with the need for more personal space or personal time, but we take those times as they come and deal with it and try and move on. (Hence our much needed date night yesterday!!)

There are times when an unspoken unaligned expectation can be deafening in the air, These are the times when a little solitude, a turkey sandwich, and a episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills watched alone in my room is the only cure.

This is the first of many family challenges that will likely always plague us, but with the plan to move my MIL here permanently there is no choice for us all but to continue to flex and adapt and find the flowers within the weeds.  It certainly isn't easy, but somehow rewarding in a mystifying way. If I had to write a bumper sticker about it, it would be something like: 'Enlightenment Sucks'

A Question of Disposable

I think one of the topics which has proved to be the most questionable in my mind through the process of understanding a different culture is the American attitude towards disposability.

Like many other subjects, I never gave it much thought until the day my clothes dryer broke.
Being raised in a world of convenience, this was borderline 'tragic' to me.  How will I possibly continue my never ending task of washing and drying clothes???  (Before you judge too harsh- keep in mind our climate)   I quickly called the repair man who promptly pronounced my dryer DOA.  He explained to my husband and I that the heating element was broken and it was cheaper to get a new one than to replace the heating element.  As the repair man removed the various parts, my husband winked at me and whispered that he would take care of it.   Within 10 minutes of the repair man leaving, Roy had the dryer repaired.  How? you may be wondering, he said it had something to do with a stove he had as a kid that had a similar heating element he had seen his Dad repair countless times.

The ease at which he repaired this expensive item and the volume of money we saved through him knowing how to do this (without training or seemingly any knowledge on the inner workings of clothing dryers) made me start to wonder why I was so quick to throw this thing on the curb after it quit working as designed.

The easy answer to this question is the obvious- here in the US labor is expensive and generally specialized in nature.  Meaning there is no 'handy man' of sorts who knows how to do all the various things in your house that require regular repair or maintenance. If you are lucky enough to have a husband/brother/uncle/cousin, etc. who knows how to do various things, then you are truly lucky.

The second part of the easy answer is- most people have excess money OR are willing and able to go into debt for the things they 'need'.   This essentially cancels out the need for part 1.  I have the means of obtaining something new, so why would I mess with something old and broken??

The last part of the easy answer is- time.  We all know Americans are always in a hurry.  We rush around all day, multitask constantly, and keep trying to find new ways to save time in order to fit even more work/fun/tasks into a day.   So, we have invented countless disposable items which make our work easier:

-Frozen dinners
-Razors
-Cheap shoes
-Sandwich bags
-Coffee filters
-Cups/silverware/plates
-Nail Files
-Diapers

I could go on, but won't.  The point is that I think we have gotten to the point where we are desensitized by throwing things away.   I know I have thrown out plenty of electronics, small appliances, household items that I no longer need or are damaged somehow and I am unable or unwilling to repair.

When it comes to what I have observed in India, I always talk about what I refer to as 'Indian ingenuity' which is basically the inborn ability to reuse, re-purpose, and repair almost anything for any reason. Long before it cool and there were HGTV shows about it, Indian people were remaking almost anything into something else. It is truly amazing.  Maybe it reverts back to the mother of all invention- necessity. Or more than likely, scarcity in most cases. And don't forget the well known trait of many Indian people- conservation.

I truly admire this ability and have seen it in practice countless times.  I begin to realize how wasteful we are here and how this cultural evolution of waste and disposability has bled into other aspects of our life.   Relationships, family members, pets, marriage, even kids.  In varying degrees, we treat these items like cast offs much like the original fate of my non working old dryer, put to the curb in replacement for a new working model.

I read a quote the other day from a couple who had been married for 65 years, when asked how they succeeded they said:  'We're from a generation that fixed things that were broken, we didn't throw them away.'   This spoke to me on so many different levels from my early beginning, past, present, and future. To me it wasn't just a comment about marriage, but how you approach work, parenting, friendships, major purchases and just life in general.  

The thing I like most about that quote is they said 'we', not I.  It isn't the responsibility of one person to keep the other happy or compromise for sake of the relationship.  It is the duty and obligation of both parties to bend and flex and adapt to get through anything life throws at you.

I can't sit here and say this is a strength of mine or proclaim this is the best advise ever because I have not yet succeeded.  As with everything, life is a process.  Not one specific destination, but a journey through blue skies and turbulent waters.  Do I sink or do I swim?  And more importantly, how do I learn from mistakes and apply them to the now and the future.

The lesson here people is simple- appreciate everything you have and make do whenever possible.

Your strength is your weekness

Spirited conversations are nothing new for my husband and I.  We have always spent a lot of time talking and discussing various topics, generally with a lot of passion and conviction for our particular points.  It wasn't until a particular conversation that we had earlier this week, that I had a true 'aha' moment which brought me back to thinking about the compare and contrast I planned to discuss about the US and India.

This particular conversation was centered around my tendency to be a bit controlling.  It isn't something I try or even something I realize, it just is who I am.  I know there are times when I can go a little overboard and as I get older and am able to step back and examine myself better, I do realize this and attempt to correct it when possible.

As I explained my necessity to provide 'helpful' driving instructions to my husband, something really brilliant dawned on me.  Every strength can be its own weakness.  I was particularly moved by this idea in the fact that he is forever impressed by my ability to simultaneously handle a full time, sometimes stressful professional job, the majority of the household responsibilities, kids, bills, shopping, and planning for vacations/time off/home improvements, etc.  While I feel this is rather normal for most women I know, I do feel he is genuinely impressed with how I handle everything.

What I realized through this conversation is that my talent for managing things is also my downfall in sometimes going a little overboard.  I am not sure you can have one without the other.  I do believe that all things should come in a manageable quantity, but overindulgence of anything is rarely a good thing.

As I think about how this might apply to America, one might think that a wealthy and powerful country has no weakness, but this is indisputably untrue.  Most people I know have more than enough money to survive, and not just survive in terms of having basic necessities.  They have more than enough, and in fact what almost anyone would consider excessive. Their kids have hundreds of toys and ever so often more come in, but few go out. Most are not overly played with, some are neglected and abused and most people wouldn't pay much attention to this 'normal' fact about kids.  My husband likes to tell the story of having 1 toy growing up- a toy airplane.  Not 1 toy for a particular birthday or 1 baby toy- 1 total.  Just let that sink in a moment.

So, a country so wealthy and powerful thinks that providing their children with every toy, electronic, style of clothing, shoe, etc item is a good idea?  I have definitely learned to appreciate the downside of wealth.  Having grown up being enamored by celebrities and people on TV with their big houses and 10 cars and big closets full of millions of dollars of designer clothing, I now realize how truly bad this is and how out of touch with the reality of the world these people are.  It is sad. Sad for them, sad for us, and sad for the world to watch them and look up to them.

Now don't get me wrong, I like nice things as much as anyone, but what I do know for sure is that more is not more and having a simple, streamlined life is truly more beneficial than having access to anything you could want.

On the flip side, when I think of one of India's strengths, the one thing that comes to mind is the kindness of Indian people. Always wanting to please, not wanting to deliver bad news or a negative message (even if it is true) They avoid conflict and therefore are generally considered peaceful, spiritual, and kind.  Sounds like a good thing, right?  And it is, but from my observation it is this passive attitude that is one of the main contributors to India's inability to move steadily forward.  Many people don't want to get involved, and are content with things being as they always have, even though some know there are other ways.  As with any change comes contention, disruption, and  a need for cooperation- all the things that don't seem to go over well in India.  Don't get me wrong, Indian people are the most adaptive of anyone I have ever met in my life, but I think there is some unwritten rule that says if it is permanent then it bugs them.

India is one of the most ancient societies to still be somewhat intact today, with much of the same cultural values, religious beliefs, and social structure which is one of the things that makes India interesting, unique, and a true phenomenon to observe and understand.  But, when it comes to change and the people of India welcoming change and wanting to implement change in their daily lives, this is where the strength becomes a weakness.

For me, this realization is just part of my journey to better understand myself and 'get better at life' as a good friend once said to me.  It is a complicated formula, which has no set recipe and the ingredients seem to get more complicated and hard to find the more I get into it:

• 3 parts dedication
• 2 parts desire to change
• 4 parts realization you don't know everything
• 1 part open mindedness
• 2 parts love

Between a Rock and Hard Place.

Having spent my entire life in small town USA has granted me certain privileges.  The privilege of forgetting to lock my door, and not being overly concerned about a break-in. The privilege of regularly running into people I went to high school or even grade school with and being able to easily recognize each other and being open enough to stop and chat.  The privilege of living in a clean city, with genuinely friendly people where I have room to run, things I want and need are affordable, and I have access to almost anything I could ever dream of.   However, living in a small town means minimal cultural diversity and what is here stands out like a turd in a punch bowl.

I can't ever remember a time when I felt racist, although I do remember being somewhat fascinated by the look and volume of black people in Milwaukee during the first couple trips we took there when I was a kid. I look back and laugh at that thought now, how I used to try and stare without being noticed but more than likely looked like a tourist in my own state.

There were the pockets of Asian children in my high school- mainly Hmong, more than likely refugees. To be honest, I never took the time to find out where they were from or why they were here.  I look at that now as an opportunity lost.  The chance to get to know someone else from somewhere far away who might just teach you something you haven't thought of before.

Over the last 6 years as I have learned about India and it's millions of traditions, languages, and cultural nuances I feel I have been given an opportunity to dig deeper into life.  Not just life as I know it, but life as another group of people on the other side of our same planet know it.  I'm not going to lie, it hasn't been easy and there are plenty of things I have learned about that I don't like but at least I feel like I have been given a chance to choose.  To choose to either stick with what I know to be correct or take another path based on some other exposure that feels more comfortable to me.

During this process, there has been plenty of time that friends and relatives have either given me the feeling or even accused me of seeming 'brainwashed'.  This hurts in a spot that I will never be able to articulate.  I am not a naive 12 year old girl- I've lived 40 years on this planet and am an educated, successful person who lives a fairly straight-laced life.  I'm not and have never been addicted to anything (ok, maybe cigarettes when I was 18 and probably mint brownies now) but, I'm not a big drinker and most certainly never a drug addict. So, just because I have begun to challenge some of the 'norms' I was raised with, why does that make me brain-washed?   ESPECIALLY when attempting to implement a better quality of life (obviously I am not talking about someone who would try to rationalize any type of bad, abusive, or neglectful behavior)

I'm not going to dwell on that, reason being is I do truly feel fortunate to have been exposed to something totally new and different. Not everyone is so fortunate, so how can I expect them to understand?  I say this with the most utmost of seriousness and not to sound condescending, because a person can only process and understand what they are exposed to and not many go out in search for more.  It reminds me of a story I read in college- Plato's Allegory of the Cave.  People believe what they are exposed to and have a hard time accepting anything else.  Read on your own, if you are so inclined:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_Cave

I want to spend some time going into detail on some subjects that I feel passionate about through being exposed to a different way of handling it.  Topics like:  Greed, Parenting, Selflessness, and Commitment.

Thinking about these subjects differently is a process, it's like putting a little rock in the way of a heavy door.  Just enough to hear or see a little crack of what's going on in the other room.  Enough to be intrigued, enough to be lured, enough to wonder if they might be having more fun in there and you might want to join.

The stats called....

I sometimes periodically check the stats of my blog throughout the year, although I originally started this just to share information while traveling throughout India.   I found something interesting the other day, that I am getting a lot of page views every month in spite of not posting anything new.

Encouraged by this idea, I thought it might be time to share some other information from my daily life.
This poses an interesting problem for me, being a fairly private person how do I outlet my thoughts and experiences without over sharing and exposing myself to judgement?

I spent the last several weeks thinking over this and have come to the conclusion that I don't care.
I consider myself fortunate to be of the mentality of truly not minding what other people think, which allows me to openly share my thoughts and experiences and leave the rest up to your perception.

Without getting too deep, I have always thought that perception and reality were strange things.  If you really think about it, there is no reality, there is only reality as you know- how you perceive it.  Your upbringing, exposure, and environment create this and then eventually your personality and natural tendencies kick in and form opinions, feelings, and judgments.

This leads me into the topic for my first non-India travel blog post which is basically about how my perception and thoughts have changed since broadening my exposure and knowledge through a multicultural relationship.   Interested?  Do check back- and as always, feel free to click 'follow' or to share, sign of up for RSS feeds or just jump on when your bored, annoyed, or just want a little entertainment. I'll be here.

A Ritual to Remember

As you probably recall, the purpose of this trip to India was to complete the 1 year death rituals for my FIL to 'cleanse' the family of the death.  We strategically planned it for June 9, the day before Shivali's 3rd birthday, because you should not celebrate any holidays or events during that one year post death and it was necessary for us to be super clean by June 10th so we could throw a party.

A few details about these rituals I was not privy to:

1. You cannot eat non-veg food the day before and the day of the ritual.  Not a big deal for most people here as being a vegetarian is India is as common as being chunky in America.  However, we aren't raised like this and there are times it can pose a challenge, but between rice, Indian spicy mixed vegetables, and the mac and cheese boxes we brought from home we managed just fine. 

2. Roy was supposed to shave his head. There are only 2 times in a Hindu males life when he shaves his head- when his father dies and again when his mother dies. (Unless he is balding, then I think anything goes)  Of course, like everything here they are technicalities and loopholes to consider and the ever present absence of details.  Apparently on the 1 year anniversary ritual of the mother and father's death he should also shave his head, so obviously I was not thrilled about that idea but it is not something I can do more than roll my eyes about.  The good news is that the relatives decided it was not necessary, so my husband's beautiful head of hair is still fully intact.

The rituals were set to take place around noon, so Roy is not supposed eat or hardly drink prior.  I partially feel bad for him, but on the other hand, it is always the women in Hindu religion that do all the fasting and sacrificing so I think if he has to skip a few meals for the sake of his Father he will be just fine.

Roy showered and dressed in his basic white cloth that the priest brought along and prepared for what would amount to 3 hours sitting cross-legged on the marble floor.  I am always amazed to watch this priest do his thing because I can't decide if he is just really methodical or he makes it up as he goes along.  He systemically puts flowers together with leaves and nuts with rice stirred together in a small pot.  He puts incense sticks into tiny bananas and chants in Sanskrit to an almost song-type melody.  He is quite interesting to watch and has commented to the family before how intently I watch him, although I think he is just accustomed to Indian behavior at religious events which consists of tuning in and out, talking and walking out of the room for undefined periods of time.

When it was all said and done, everyone was exhausted and we feasted on a meal of rice with Mutter Paneer (Peas and cheese) and just lounged around.   Roy and I decided to go out and order a birthday cake for Shivali's birthday and maybe grab a snack.  I feel bad for not bringing her birthday present along, but it is huge and we all know a 3 year old can only handle so many presents at once.

I was surprised to learn that apparently one of the Aunts suggested we have another type of auspicious ritual for Shivali's birthday to celebrate the cleansing as well as bless her. Apparently it is a bad omen to even imply that ritual shouldn't happen after someone else suggests it, but I was pretty much ritualed out at that point.  For whatever reason they decided the priest should come over again at 7am the next morning.  Knowing we hardly ever go to bed before 11 or midnight, I wasn't sure how this would be possible but at least it would give me something to write about.

I woke up this morning around 6:30 and panicked for a second thinking I wouldn't have enough time to be ready (everyone in the house needs to be showered and the house should be clean before the priest comes).  I quickly jumped into the shower thinking I would be one of the first done and then be able to lounge around.  I shouldn't have been surprised upon existing our room to find everyone else still sleeping at 7am.  They were shocked I was ready and Naked Uncle commented 'That is the reason her country runs so smoothly and ours is a mess' or something to that degree.   The priest didn't show up until at least 11 this morning and this time I did feel bad for Roy who again couldn't eat before the ritual.

These rituals are shorter and less complicated and luckily involve no head shaving, big white bed sheets, or multiple hours on the floor.  They do, however, involve a fire which is generally my favorite part. This time all various fruits were cut up and offered to the god, which will eventually be blessed and ours to eat. I was happy to see they got pomegranate and watermelon- yum.

It is always interesting to me to watch how into the rituals the older women are.  Although I don't understand everything and it is a tad ritualistic for my taste, I always admire people with such passion and dedication to anything.  They take the rituals every serious and cherish every item blessed by the priest like it is made of gold.  It isn't until the priest leaves that everyone complains about him, including his lack of punctuality and his blunt request for additional fees.  Like most things in India, even the ritual process is contradictory and confusing.

I guess tonight we are going out shopping, which I always enjoy.  Still not sure what is going on the rest of the trip as I also learned the relatives are staying until the 15th which is just a day and a half before we leave.  As always, I somehow manage to adjust and even find myself enjoying our interaction (although 99% through translation).  We spent a large amount of time this morning (while waiting for the priest) talking about America and how things are done, how homes are built, money, food, etc. I truly appreciate their willingness and desire to learn about my world and never wanting to impose theirs on me.

Home is where the heart is....

As I am finishing up the last packing of our 8 suitcases in preparation for our 1:40am departure I always like to reflect on my time in India.

India and I have a love-hate relationship. Neither one of us like to adjust much, but expect the other to conform to our individual standards. In the end, we both end up bending in a little and somehow we end up getting along. 

It might be the auto rickshaw driver who tries to talk some broken English to me because it may be the one and only time he has transported a white person, or the returned smile that speaks no language but instantly connects strangers as both humans. It is these times when India feels way less foreign to me and maybe somewhere I could live part time someday- who knows.

I woke up at 2am last night and everything was quiet outside- not just India quiet, but truly silent with no dogs barking or bikes going by and there was the most glorious cool breeze coming in the window. Like an apologetic child, Bangalore was seemingly sorry for the torture it puts me through everytime I visit.

No hard feelings Bangalore, you know I'll be back.