The Silence Says It All

It is during rare moments of absolute silence when I feel the most enlightened.  Maybe it's the time to think or the lack of distractions, but regardless I know during these moments I can generally find clarity for everything I am looking for.

Religion continues to the source of on and off confusion and frustration.  This week Shivali started religious education (Catholic- she is set to make her first communion this year), but it was also the Hindu festival time Ganesh Chaturthi- celebrating the birth of Genesha, the Elephant head baby of Lord Shiva)   I am sure my husband and MIL wish I knew more of these holidays and filled the role of Indian Daughter in Law as far as prayers or food preparation, but the reality is - I can't.  We knowingly entered into not only a cross cultural relationship, but also a cross religion.  And while Roy enjoys attending Church and GOD knows nobody dislikes celebrating Christmas, I have found it hard to relate to Hindu holidays.   Whether it be lack of knowledge, cultural barriers, or just hesitation to learn something new, I don't feel connected in anyway to Hindu holidays- even after 10 years in.
Religion is pretty deeply engrained in the Hindu culture, where people here generally just focus on the 'fun' aspects of religion.  If I reflect on the true complaints for me about Hindu holidays, what comes to mind first is - they aren't fun for me.  It isn't the kind of fun I am accustomed to, and like other things Indian which frustrate me- nothing starts on time, in between festivities everyone seems to just go about their business, I don't especially see the appeal in much of it.  I get that it may not have always been like that in Catholic religion, but in 2018 in the US it is, therefore it is all I can speak to.

It may have come to a surprise to my MIL that I was taking Shivali to Church Wednesday for religion classes, just as she was preparing to head to the temple when Roy returned from work.  I'm never sure what he tells her or if he told her, but she appeared surprised to me to learn we were going to church.   I can imagine there is a lot of confusion on her side, so in fairness, I really can't establish how much she understands of the situation and I can see that it would be odd to have an only grandchild not be overly involved in the religion.  In the days following, Shivali has accompanied them to the temple (Have I mentioned that Wisconsin has 3 Hindu temples as of last count, and 1 is right down the street from us?? How that happened in our small town I'll never know) and at some level I believe she has enjoyed it.

For those who are unaware, the temple is much different than a church.  There is a lot of floor sitting, chanting, rituals involving fire. It's non completely uninteresting, but I can definitely do without the floor sitting.   These sometimes serve food, nothing that I care to eat in anyway- rice and lentils, sometimes served on the floor (picking up on the theme?) not so much here, but definitely in India it is.  Questionable cleanliness is always a concern, as it is all volunteers and big pots cooked under the sun just don't say 'guaranteed to not have salmonella' to me.    So anyway, Shivali has been eating there during her visits this week, and I think it is safe to say she is less than thrilled.

I personally see no issue with engaging with multiple religions, especially when the point is to learn and feel connected and involved with something bigger than you.    I stayed home from both today (I think it's the last day of the Ganesh festival, but don't quote me) to both catch up on work and household chores, but also to have a few moments of quiet without the usual commotion and TVs blaring, someone asking for something.  With a clear head, I can say- I needed it.  I've been running on empty for awhile and needed a little reboot.   I can imagine once again that my MIL is unclear or unhappy I don't go.   If I dressed up in my Indian best and tagged along for group entertainment value only, it probably would have been a nice gesture.  Today I couldn't do it- for lots of reasons and I right now I don't regret that in spite of a little Catholic guilt.

The bottom line is this- the blending of cultures, religion, food, values, and approach never gets any easier.  The target keeps moving and we have to keep adjusting.  I don't know when it will be 'solved', I don't think that is even possible. I don't know if I should look for it or try for it, I guess I'll do what I always do and just keep forging forward doing my best to stir this concoction into a digestible substance.

Ganesh Festival pic from India. The statues are very impressively done, and if my limited Hindu knowledge serves me right, the crowd is bringing it to the river to immerse it on the last day of the Festival. Seems like an awful waste of a beautiful statue, but reincarnation has it's sacrifices I guess....

 

A Mom-umental Visit

Hey Everyone!  It's been awhile, I know.  If you read along, you know I typically only post when I'm in India and traveling around.  Its been a year since visiting India, and we have no plans to visit until mid next year for a wedding- more on that later.

I have a new topic I thought it would be interesting to post about.  I've shared other experiences when my Indian relatives came here to visit, so when my Mother In Law (MIL)moved in 3 weeks ago, I immediately realized it was a great excuse to start sharing my thoughts and feelings again.

Since her last visit a few years ago, we have built a new house and have been living comfortably here for 2 years.  The house was built with many features with the thought in mind of her living here someday.  First up, there is an 'In law suite', not the typical American style which is like an attached apartment with a full living setup- this would be considered highly disrespectful as if we are trying to keep her out of our space.  While most US MIL would love this, I knew this would never work for an Indian MIL.  For those of you who are unaware, it is common for a son to live with his parents and live in a joint family his whole life.  When he marries, the wife would move in there and become part of the household and eventually the in laws would help with the children, etc.   In some ways, it is nice to have the extra help in the house, but I've heard horror stories about how some of the daughter in laws (DIL) are treated, especially in the big joint families with multiple brothers, etc. Low man on the totem pole, you know.   It's kinda like Sister Wives meets the Duggers, in terms of volume and drama.   I personally need a lot of my own space, so could never imagine this.

Anyway, back to the house.  In addition to the in law suite, we also built a spice kitchen.
I had an amazing AHA moment one night 3 years ago while watching House Hunters. An Indian couple was looking for a new home and they kept saying they wanted a spice kitchen.  I realized this was an actual THING and I could easily have this in the future, as it is somewhat of a Butler's Pantry for those familiar with old houses here, where your servants keep dishes and food was kept in between the kitchen and dining room.  My revelation was that we would use this to keep the smell of Indian food contained to just that room, which was a huge issue in our prior home as the kitchen is open to the whole house.  While I love many varieties of Indian food, I don't want to smell it constantly and it shouldn't infiltrate ever corner of the house and me!   The new house also has LOTS of personal space, which allows me to 'escape' anytime I get into Indian overload.

 

Roy visited India for 2 and a half weeks for a friend's wedding and the plan was to bring his mother back with him, which worked out good as far as logistics go.    I consider myself fortunate when I read some of the horror stories about how Indian MILs can be: invasive, commanding, giving lots of advice, telling you everything you do is wrong, making you into a slave, trying to keep her son away, etc.  Luckily for me (and her!), she is nothing like this.   She doesn't speak much English, and I can only understand parts and pieces of Bengali, so I always say- we get along great!  We get to insult each other in our own language, and as long as we do it with a smile, nobody feels bad!

In reality we get along just fine, she is sweet and funny and unobtrusive, she helps me gang up on Roy when he gets out of line and does a lot of housework which is great.  Having been raised in India in a typical style as well as losing my FIL 5 years ago, she has suffered her share of scarcity and hardships, so coming here and living in this style must be a HUGE adjustment for her, but she never shows it.  Which is one of the things I really appreciate and admire about the Indian people I know.  You might think it is easy to adapt to a higher living style, but think about it- she can't speak the language, can't walk to her usual stores or get around town, the house is very different and not what she is used to, she can only call relatives (including her daughters) vs see anyone else that looks like her.   I've been to India many times, so I get how lonely these changes become.

Although she is very easy to get along with, the style of living changes a bit when she is here.  Not in a bad way, just different.  In my experience, Indian people stay up later at night and therefore sleep in.  They are not big on breakfast, but typically make a giant lunch and then like to nap. Lots of TV and movie watching, visiting with relatives.  All these things I don't specifically enjoy.  Although I made it clear that the spice kitchen is hers to use and make whatever she wants, I don't want to typically eat soggy vegetables and rice or bread everyday, so I made sure my husband explained to her not to feel bad if I don't eat it.  I will eat it sometimes, but certainly not everyday.  Food has the potential to be a big point of contention for us, so it's better to just stay out of it.  I don't make her eat my sandwiches, wraps, salads, and other American type foods and there should be no hard feelings about me not eating Indian food daily.  Although she is certainly willing to try and appears to like some American food, I know it is unrealistic to expect her to eat it everyday, even though I personally cannot understand how someone eats vegetable curry and rice everyday, but that's neither here nor there.

Other than food, we are all just settling into some realm of 'normal'.  I had a lot of fun creating a lovely room for her and she does spend a lot of time in there, as right now Roy is in 'her TV room' using it as an office.  It works for now just fine.   I've been trying to teach her to do things around the house like laundry or gardening, just to keep her occupied.  Roy has her teaching Shivali more Bengali and Hindu prayers, anything to keep her from watching 80 hrs a day of TV.  It's going to start getting cold here, so not sure how the winter is going to go, but we'll take it one day at a time.

I do want to continue to use this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings.  Along the way, several of my Indian friends and family members have signed up to follow along.  I've already decided I'm not going to censor anything I say or feel, that would negate the purpose of this blog.  My intent is never to offend, but to write honestly and openly about my experiences and thoughts of living an Indian blended lifestyle.   I believe most of them know I come from a place of curiosity, but am blunt and sarcastic at times in how my style and cultural norms mesh with theirs. 

I also have a few stories and pictures I meant to share from the wedding last year- shame on me for not getting to it, but it's in my plan for the near future here, so stick around!

 

An Indian Special

One of my favorite Indian items is small and fiesty, super smart and witty, a constant challenge and an incredible force for the future.  

What's interesting about raising a multi- ethnic child in a small community is that sometimes people don't believe I'm her mom. I've been asked if she is adopted and comments have been made about where she got her 'lovely tan'.  I've always believed that we have created a very unique and special human being who has endless possibilities for the future.  

Just wanted to share this lovely lady with you:

Shivali

Lessons from India

As the trip here starts to wind down, I like to spend time quietly contemplating my time here and things I've learned.

Luckily there is tons of time for this because of the language barriers and overall comfort with speaking their native language I am frequently left out of conversation.  I mention this a lot, because at times this is overwhelmingly sad. It's been a challenge for me to learn a new language- both mentally and time- wise but yet I really can't expect everyone to conform to my standard.

We slept in this morning while the others got up early for the last day of the festival event. This activity involves putting the bright red sindoor powder, used here to symbolize marriage, on the goddess statue....

And then on each other. 

While this sounds mildly entertaining, I've tangled with this red powder before and it doesn't mix well with my light hair and skin and ends up staining for days, so I'm ok with avoiding it when I can.

A big meal of chicken and fish is cooked in the house today to celebrate the end of the festival, so Roy and the guys went out this morning and had them killed 😳 and food preparations are now beginning.  Later on we'll do some shopping and roaming around town, so that sounds promising.

At this point in the game, I don't at all dread the 20 hour flight or airport logistics, I just keep thinking about getting home and back to my normal life. I'm always looking for spare moments of downtime, but after spending 2 weeks loitering around and doing lots of nothing, I think I'm better positioned to appreciate my hectic life. Just another lesson courtesy of India.

god Hopping

Today is the 2nd last day of the festival, so tradition is to basically go around visiting as many god statues as you can.   As expected, this was an exhausting experience of bumper to bumper traffic, heat and crowds.    As always I do my best to get along, but not going to lie today was really tiring.

In spite of being tired, I was able to locate some interesting sights to share with you from today's events.  Enjoy!

 Here in Southern India they celebrate today by worshiping their tools and vehicles. They decorate them like this:

This guy went all out:

Apparently you can also dress up your animals

Street vendor

Chicken delivery man??

Random cows in traffic

This guy was at one of the god stops and maybe won some kind of award I'm guessing- hard to confirm

Celebrity sighting: The voodoo guy from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. He wasn't giving autographs

I'm not sure what Homeland Security would say, but I may try getting these 2 into my carryon😍

My bored little girl!

The last statue we visited, quite beautiful.

A Festivus for the Rest of Us

The purpose of our visit to India this time is to celebrate the major Hindu festival of Dussehra. (pronounced dush-ra).  It basically celebrates good triumphing evil.  How our family celebrates is through visiting of god statues placed  various locations across town.

Because I had already visited India during Dussehra, I kinda knew what to expect, which as with most things here is both good and bad for me.  The fun of the holiday comes from all the interaction and activity at each of these festival locations.   Yesterday we visited 2 different places- one in the morning and one in the evening.  Morning is more about prayers and evening is more about music and eating, which honestly was much more fun and appealing to me.  There really isn't anything for me to do specifically at these events, but I do my best to not stand out like a turd in a punchbowl.



Look mom- he is sprinkling holy water! I swore he purposely got me right in the face, and I fought to not make the sign of the cross.



Shivali, me, and our best friend- the fan.

They sell guns here which is an interesting contrast.

The morning events started out with some worship and a free lunch.  These things never quite work out for me for some reason.  In spite of everyone's excitement, I find myself in a familiar sense of dread knowing the food and eating style and conditions are likely to push me far from my comfort zone.   I somehow managed, only once potentially offending the entire room when I accidentally pulled my plate back too soon from the gentlemen serving the 'god's food' (Catholic equivalent to a host) and a bit fell to the floor.  Luckily (or unluckily, however you look at that) I wasn't thrown out and we ate our lunch and moved on.  


As I am standing in the large crowds, everyone speaking different languages and everyone looking completely different than me, I can't help but feel a sense of sadness in a way.  It's a bit hard to describe, because people in general are nothing but nice to me so I have no specific reason to feel sad.  I guess it is part of the unfamiliarity and uncertainty of the unknown.  This 'quiet' time gives me a lot of opportunity to reflect and to people watch.  I've referred to this in past posts as my 'Sixth sense' because I am not at all concerned with what is being said that I can better focus on what is being done.  During these moments of observation I come to understand a lot more about the culture- not all is pleasant but much of it is just so vastly different than I just soak it all in.

Today in particular I felt very much out of my element.  I'm not sure if it is as I get older and find myself enjoying things more familiar or what, but I spend a lot of time wishing I could be at home.  It is during these times that I have tried to look for things that remind me a home so I can feel more comfortable.   I started to imagine what that moment would sound like if I could give it a theme song- and that definitely would be the Misfit song from my favorite childhood animated movie- Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.  In that moment I felt very much like a dentist in a room full of elves. : (

We went home and got comfortable, but to my surprise we had plans to attend another event.  This time Roy rented a car, so we have a little more flexibility in terms of getting places and this was a larger vehicle that can accommodate the entire group, which isn't overly common here.  In evening Bangalore traffic it took an hour to get there, so we first visited to God statue and my most interesting observation is those taking selfies with the statue!

After visiting the god statue for awhile we decided to go check out the food scene.   For just a moment I swore I smelled the 4H booth at the county fair and was longing for one of those greasy cheeseburgers, but in a mainly Hindu country you will never find beef products out in the open and certainly not at a religious event.  The smell brought me to home just for a second, nonetheless. I quickly realized that this setup is very much like a county fair.  Lots of different finger food options, socializing, and Roy even explained that used to cruise for chicks during these events- so very much like a county fair LOL!





As we looked around, I stumbled across this booth selling these twisted potatoes that were quite delicious.  They even put cheese on it!  It takes some mental negotiating to not put too much thought into this street food as far as preparation style and cleanliness, but as with most things here you do best when you just roll with it.






We had a few other things as well, no hot dogs or deep fried oreos, but I enjoyed them nonetheless.   I actually had a good time and felt a little bit more like I fit in.  It helped that I wore a long dress from home, like Pretty Woman, I am more prepared to deal with life in my own clothes.

The festival continues for several more days, but unfortunately today I could not awake from my coma like sleep to go today.  Also, my stomach was a bit upset so Shivali and I stayed in today.  Once I finally awoke after noon, I felt guilty for not going.  I saw pictures online of everyone dressed up and I felt bad for not being there, but honestly think they probably have a better time without having to worry about me and I also could use a little downtime.  Everyone here appears to really enjoy the closeness and constant interaction, but I find the inner introvert coming out while I'm here and prefer to have a bit of alone time when I can.


I never quite know what is coming up next, it isn't like I'm specifically excluded but I am very much just along for the ride.   I watched a few episodes of King of Queens yesterday and even though I wasn't in my own bed, in my own continent, in my own country or city I felt much better about where I was at.  This always happens right when we are about to leave, that somehow the adjusting process gets a little bit easier when you look for ways of bringing familiarity back into your environment. I guess that could be said about anything new a person takes on.   India will forever challenge me to find moments of comfort and home, but as always I'm up for the challenge.


 

A True Indian Experience

It's difficult to evaluate how 'true' of an Indian experience I have while I'm here.  Compared to other foreigners, one could argue that I go rather extreme.  Only once did I stay in a hotel here, the other 8 or so times I always stayed in the family home accompanied by 5-50 of our closest Indian relatives.  All with varying degrees of English speaking skills, all the way from rather fluent to nod and smile.

I've done most of the Indian cultural things at least once and lots of things I have done numerous times.  I've rode in an auto rickshaw, used an Indian style toilet, ate with my hand, visited ancient temples, touched elder's feet for blessings, wore a sari, blurted in line, slept on the floor next to relatives I only just met.    Having done all these things, does this qualify me as truly experiencing the culture?

We went to a big mall today, from the inside if you remove all the Indian people and ethnic clothing, you wouldn't really know you were in India.  There was a McDonald's (granted there are no cheeseburgers) and a Burger King and a KFC.  They sell jewelry, shoes and clothes you can see anywhere else in the world.   Our first stop at the mall- TGI Fridays.   I didn't ask to go, but my dear husband knew I likely wanted to go, so didn't ask if we should go or not, he just led the way.   I know at some level I disappoint him by not being that keen on eating the food that everyone else in the house is eating- Rice, Dal, and some curry made of various vegetables.   It is cooked everyday and everyone eats it everyday.   I have yet to eat this.  Part of me wants to try harder and just work to fit in better, and the other part of me wants to just scream all the way to McDonald's.   It's  a hard emotion to explain.  How difficult would it be for me to just eat it once a day to make everyone happy?   Will this make them happy?  Do they care either way?   I actually have no idea and I know they would never tell me.

Part of the confusion in being here is reading people.  What are their true intentions and true feelings.  They are good at masking over it and making things seem unimportant when they really are important.  There is also a lot of hidden meaning and body language that I probably miss along the way, although I generally consider myself rather intuitive when it comes to these things.

Overall, when I look back on all the times I have visited India, I would be hard pressed to find another American who has done these things as frequently, diligently, or nearly as adeptly as I have.  For the most part I am proud of that, not because I was forced to do it, but because I found a spot in my soul to welcome it and conform where I could while still maintaining who I am.   I could probably be criticized for not going as far as I could have or should have.  I can imagine there are others who eat the food everyday and follow all the rituals and enjoy the festivals more, but at the end of the day that isn't what makes or breaks me.   For me, it is about taking in the experience and opening my mind and my life to the opportunity of viewing the world just a little bit differently.  I've seen so many things, more than I could ever describe here which has altered my mind and my perception of good and bad, dirty and clean, safe and risky, and happy and sad.   How could I possibly regret those experiences by not feeling like I did enough?

As I sit in this back bedroom under a blaring fan sipping my ultra ice water, just outside my window I can hear the roar of traffic and wild street dogs barking and smell the neighbors cooking their dinner I do feel fused with the culture at some level- at my level.  Yes, it will be something I will always pursue and no I will probably never prefer India over Wisconsin but I can confirm that at this time and in this space I am at peace with how it is.