The Luxury of Independence

As I sit here on the first day where my MIL & SIL have left for their return to India, I have many mixed feelings.  It is difficult, if not impossible for most of my friends and family to understand how I coped with having 2 extended house guests for the last 6 months.  While challenging at times, I can definitely say I learned a lot and I am a better person because of the experience.

So, what's it like having extended house guests from the other side of the world? At first, it's like having anyone over.  Everyone is on their best behavior, trying to be helpful and accommodating but as time goes by there are little habits or behaviors that begin to become annoying.  Now, when you throw in the cultural mix of having been raised on different sides of the globe, this situation takes on a whole new level of complexity.

Beyond the fact that I was raised exceptionally independent, never having even a close relative stay just 1 night with us that I can recall, I figured that at some point my desire for privacy would overshadow my wish to be a gracious host. While I can admit to being annoyed and violated and even sometimes feeling like I was a stranger in my own home, I do not have any hard feelings and feel that overall as a family we banded together and could definitely call the visit 'successful'.

One of my major observations as part of my MIL and SIL's visit was the realization of how independent most American women are.  It isn't just working and driving and decision making, it is infiltrated in every action and reaction.  I do consider this a luxury and although I can respect and understand this isn't the norm in other parts of the world, the conclusion I have drawn is that I am glad that it is the way it is here.

I can imagine at times they interpreted what I was doing or how I acted as pretty crazy.  I operate at a very independent level and work with my husband as a partner, not as a lessor contributor.  Yes of course this leads to power struggles and at times it erupts, but overall we have a pretty good thing going.   My wish is that they would have had the opportunity to look beyond the initial shock of seeing how I dress, talk openly, work a high level stressful job, and manage a household to see how much love and attention I put into everything I do and how it is possible to successfully manage so many concurrent happenings.  No I absolutely don't do everything perfect, in fact it is very possible that they look at the things I do cut corners on as some of the most critical things (cooking, cleaning, daycare for Vali) but I don't at all feel like most things suffer because of my overabundance of responsibility.

I think every little thing, taken out of context, could be misinterpreted as a harmful act, but that when blended all together it is possible to gain synergy and capacity through keeping so many plates spinning in the air at all times.  So when I open a bag of pre-made chicken, I do that so I can spend more of my free time with my husband and kids as opposed to me cooking for hours in the kitchen and them off doing something else.  When I invest money or time in automated bill payment it is so I can have piece of mind or steal a few extra moments during a time when i would normally be having to labor over the never-ending task of keeping our finances in order.

So my conclusion after this experience is that although we as humans sometimes feel like we don't have capacity for things we are not familiar with, the reality is that capacity is like any other muscle in our body and as we have the desire to work it and put in the effort to work it, it can expand.

The Home Field Advantage

I've written a lot about my experiences as an outsider when I was in India, but I thought it would make an interesting spin to talk about my experiences when India came to me.

One cold winter day in March, we made the 3 1/2 hour drive to Chicago to pick up my Mother in Law and youngest Sister in Law from O'hare airport.  I've waited outside those gates more times than I can remember but when they finally appeared, it was part happiness (as I hadn't seen either in over a year) and part hesitation knowing that there was a lot of uncertainty in what we were about to start.

My mother in law had been here in year previous for 3 months, during one of the worst winters in history.  Although the snow and cold seemed like a novelty at first, I could tell within a short time that our sub zero weather was not going to be to her liking.   We figured spring and summer would be a much better time for future visits.

In the over 4 months since they have been here, I have found myself beginning to feel some of the old feelings of uneasy and uncomfortable that I feel when I am in India.  Although our accommodations here are much bigger in size, having extended house guests of a sort is not something I have any experience with.  Not as a child or even a young adult.  I didn't live with room mates or visit extended family members- nothing.

From what I have observed, extended house guests is rather routine in India. Unlike here where you would have parents or relatives stay a few days or max a week, I have heard of multiple week - multiple month stays which has always perplexed me a bit.  How can you just open your house up to relatives for so long and disrupt your life? Why don't they just stay in a hotel?

It never ceases to amaze me how many of my friends and family will appear shocked when I begin to explain our current house population.  They frequently ask if my MIL will stay forever and will she have her own apartment.  They ask how we get along and what we eat, which sometimes makes us sound like zoo animals (not always far from reality).

The reality is that having extended family get their own apartment or stay at a hotel would be the ultimate in rude.  Although I have to admit, I was not always so open to the idea, I realize now how insulting and impractical it would be.  They came here to spend time with us, but we are sending them some place else?  Nope.

Once again I amaze myself at my ability to adapt, and although I don't enjoy every moment and I do many times miss my personal space, I have found their visit to be enlightening, entertaining, and very eye opening.  

You see, when you visit extended family in India, you would have to learn to adapt to house rules and norms, but in India they say 'Guest is God' so I think you generally get treated pretty well.  So what we have done here isn't as simple. This is a cross-cultural, cross-continental, cross-religion, cross-lingual experience.   We don't speak the same, eat the same, dress the same, have the same pressures, concerns, upbringing, needs, challenges, or wishes.  What could go wrong, right?

I believe Roy and I were brought together by our unique abilities to adapt, flex, and fight for the greater good.  We both frequently talk about forward thinking that many people don't understand or appreciate.  We make plans well into the future, although we are seemingly directionless and spontaneous to our friends and family.  Although I can't say I have thought through and planned out every challenge we were going to encounter, I knew they would be there and I knew we would get through them.

A few of the specific challenges come from the ever present need to eat.  Simple, right? Someone makes food, we eat and we move on. Sure. Obviously food preferences vary a lot from India to America.  We have a lot of fusion food and many people I know enjoy the novelty of a occasional trip to the Indian buffet, and from what I observed in India, world foods are becoming more common- pizza, pasta, etc.

The act of trying to please everyone's food taste on a daily basis truly is daunting. While I have learned to enjoy many Indian dishes, I by no means want it everyday.  I also never put much thought into how quickly we prepare American meals due to all the conveniences and pre-packaged items we have at our disposal.  My fast paced life isn't necessarily conducive to spending 1.5 hrs making a meal after I just worked 9 hrs and drove 45 min home.   With so many extra people in the house, I don't believe the expectation is there for me to make it, but I also am not sure.  In India, a daughter in law would be responsible for most of the cooking and cleaning in a joint family- but we all know this isn't India and I am not an Indian daughter-in-law!!

So therein lies the problem.  The logistics of cooking is exhausting.  Because I work from home partially and Roy full time and everyone is on a different schedule, I find myself frequently reverting to my American ways and just starting to make something simple for myself when I get up or have a free moment between calls.   Although my mother didn't work outside the house until I was a teenager, we were raised quite independent from a young age when it comes to helping yourself for breakfast or certain meals when they would be away.  I am accustomed to this, instilled a similar practice with my own kids, and am very comfortable with this.  

Recently this has made me feel very uncomfortable because I feel like there is an unsaid expectation I should be cooking something for everyone.  Being on such different schedules with different pressures, I don't feel this is realistic for many meals.  But as with most things in this complex situation, it is something you have to address carefully and cautiously.  It's a fine balance and a constant shift and judgement of what is right for that moment and that situation.

Another challenge is lifestyle in general.  Because Roy and I work high pressure careers, we frequently look for 'down time' or ways to relax and do nothing.   Although my MIL and SIL keep busy with housework and tasks with Shivali, they really find little else to keep them entertained other than TV and movies.  So their 'down time' likely would consist of something exciting or entertaining.  Over the months, I think this has become a big challenge and while we have taken several smaller trips away and eat out frequently and shop I'm never sure if it is enough. Mid-west America isn't exactly the theme of most Hollywood movies, so maybe our idea of excitement or the lack of ability to walk or get around places on your own power has become a little more than they bargained for.

Yet the positives do peek out here and there.  Shivali has learned to understand most Bengali phrases, in fact she amazes me when she listens to a whole statement and answers in English what appears to be an appropriate response.   Even Jordan has picked up a lot! I hear enough to understand much more than previous,sometimes just basic concepts of the conversation and the occasional feeling I am being spoken about.   Through all the challenges of preparing our home to sell and start our home building process, my MIL and SIL have been instrumental in cleaning, de-cluttering, and the almost impossible task of maintaining it all with my schedule and a 4 year old tornado int he house.  It has taken a lot of weight off me having the luxury of assistance in the home to the degree that they provide.

In spite of all the differences, we have once again proved that dedication and resilience prevails. It can be done and it came be rather successful and mutually satisfying.  There are so many benefits I continue to find in learning new things and exposure to different concepts.  There are definitely times when these benefits compete with the need for more personal space or personal time, but we take those times as they come and deal with it and try and move on. (Hence our much needed date night yesterday!!)

There are times when an unspoken unaligned expectation can be deafening in the air, These are the times when a little solitude, a turkey sandwich, and a episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills watched alone in my room is the only cure.

This is the first of many family challenges that will likely always plague us, but with the plan to move my MIL here permanently there is no choice for us all but to continue to flex and adapt and find the flowers within the weeds.  It certainly isn't easy, but somehow rewarding in a mystifying way. If I had to write a bumper sticker about it, it would be something like: 'Enlightenment Sucks'