The Silence Says It All

It is during rare moments of absolute silence when I feel the most enlightened.  Maybe it's the time to think or the lack of distractions, but regardless I know during these moments I can generally find clarity for everything I am looking for.

Religion continues to the source of on and off confusion and frustration.  This week Shivali started religious education (Catholic- she is set to make her first communion this year), but it was also the Hindu festival time Ganesh Chaturthi- celebrating the birth of Genesha, the Elephant head baby of Lord Shiva)   I am sure my husband and MIL wish I knew more of these holidays and filled the role of Indian Daughter in Law as far as prayers or food preparation, but the reality is - I can't.  We knowingly entered into not only a cross cultural relationship, but also a cross religion.  And while Roy enjoys attending Church and GOD knows nobody dislikes celebrating Christmas, I have found it hard to relate to Hindu holidays.   Whether it be lack of knowledge, cultural barriers, or just hesitation to learn something new, I don't feel connected in anyway to Hindu holidays- even after 10 years in.
Religion is pretty deeply engrained in the Hindu culture, where people here generally just focus on the 'fun' aspects of religion.  If I reflect on the true complaints for me about Hindu holidays, what comes to mind first is - they aren't fun for me.  It isn't the kind of fun I am accustomed to, and like other things Indian which frustrate me- nothing starts on time, in between festivities everyone seems to just go about their business, I don't especially see the appeal in much of it.  I get that it may not have always been like that in Catholic religion, but in 2018 in the US it is, therefore it is all I can speak to.

It may have come to a surprise to my MIL that I was taking Shivali to Church Wednesday for religion classes, just as she was preparing to head to the temple when Roy returned from work.  I'm never sure what he tells her or if he told her, but she appeared surprised to me to learn we were going to church.   I can imagine there is a lot of confusion on her side, so in fairness, I really can't establish how much she understands of the situation and I can see that it would be odd to have an only grandchild not be overly involved in the religion.  In the days following, Shivali has accompanied them to the temple (Have I mentioned that Wisconsin has 3 Hindu temples as of last count, and 1 is right down the street from us?? How that happened in our small town I'll never know) and at some level I believe she has enjoyed it.

For those who are unaware, the temple is much different than a church.  There is a lot of floor sitting, chanting, rituals involving fire. It's non completely uninteresting, but I can definitely do without the floor sitting.   These sometimes serve food, nothing that I care to eat in anyway- rice and lentils, sometimes served on the floor (picking up on the theme?) not so much here, but definitely in India it is.  Questionable cleanliness is always a concern, as it is all volunteers and big pots cooked under the sun just don't say 'guaranteed to not have salmonella' to me.    So anyway, Shivali has been eating there during her visits this week, and I think it is safe to say she is less than thrilled.

I personally see no issue with engaging with multiple religions, especially when the point is to learn and feel connected and involved with something bigger than you.    I stayed home from both today (I think it's the last day of the Ganesh festival, but don't quote me) to both catch up on work and household chores, but also to have a few moments of quiet without the usual commotion and TVs blaring, someone asking for something.  With a clear head, I can say- I needed it.  I've been running on empty for awhile and needed a little reboot.   I can imagine once again that my MIL is unclear or unhappy I don't go.   If I dressed up in my Indian best and tagged along for group entertainment value only, it probably would have been a nice gesture.  Today I couldn't do it- for lots of reasons and I right now I don't regret that in spite of a little Catholic guilt.

The bottom line is this- the blending of cultures, religion, food, values, and approach never gets any easier.  The target keeps moving and we have to keep adjusting.  I don't know when it will be 'solved', I don't think that is even possible. I don't know if I should look for it or try for it, I guess I'll do what I always do and just keep forging forward doing my best to stir this concoction into a digestible substance.

Ganesh Festival pic from India. The statues are very impressively done, and if my limited Hindu knowledge serves me right, the crowd is bringing it to the river to immerse it on the last day of the Festival. Seems like an awful waste of a beautiful statue, but reincarnation has it's sacrifices I guess....

 

A Mom-umental Visit

Hey Everyone!  It's been awhile, I know.  If you read along, you know I typically only post when I'm in India and traveling around.  Its been a year since visiting India, and we have no plans to visit until mid next year for a wedding- more on that later.

I have a new topic I thought it would be interesting to post about.  I've shared other experiences when my Indian relatives came here to visit, so when my Mother In Law (MIL)moved in 3 weeks ago, I immediately realized it was a great excuse to start sharing my thoughts and feelings again.

Since her last visit a few years ago, we have built a new house and have been living comfortably here for 2 years.  The house was built with many features with the thought in mind of her living here someday.  First up, there is an 'In law suite', not the typical American style which is like an attached apartment with a full living setup- this would be considered highly disrespectful as if we are trying to keep her out of our space.  While most US MIL would love this, I knew this would never work for an Indian MIL.  For those of you who are unaware, it is common for a son to live with his parents and live in a joint family his whole life.  When he marries, the wife would move in there and become part of the household and eventually the in laws would help with the children, etc.   In some ways, it is nice to have the extra help in the house, but I've heard horror stories about how some of the daughter in laws (DIL) are treated, especially in the big joint families with multiple brothers, etc. Low man on the totem pole, you know.   It's kinda like Sister Wives meets the Duggers, in terms of volume and drama.   I personally need a lot of my own space, so could never imagine this.

Anyway, back to the house.  In addition to the in law suite, we also built a spice kitchen.
I had an amazing AHA moment one night 3 years ago while watching House Hunters. An Indian couple was looking for a new home and they kept saying they wanted a spice kitchen.  I realized this was an actual THING and I could easily have this in the future, as it is somewhat of a Butler's Pantry for those familiar with old houses here, where your servants keep dishes and food was kept in between the kitchen and dining room.  My revelation was that we would use this to keep the smell of Indian food contained to just that room, which was a huge issue in our prior home as the kitchen is open to the whole house.  While I love many varieties of Indian food, I don't want to smell it constantly and it shouldn't infiltrate ever corner of the house and me!   The new house also has LOTS of personal space, which allows me to 'escape' anytime I get into Indian overload.

 

Roy visited India for 2 and a half weeks for a friend's wedding and the plan was to bring his mother back with him, which worked out good as far as logistics go.    I consider myself fortunate when I read some of the horror stories about how Indian MILs can be: invasive, commanding, giving lots of advice, telling you everything you do is wrong, making you into a slave, trying to keep her son away, etc.  Luckily for me (and her!), she is nothing like this.   She doesn't speak much English, and I can only understand parts and pieces of Bengali, so I always say- we get along great!  We get to insult each other in our own language, and as long as we do it with a smile, nobody feels bad!

In reality we get along just fine, she is sweet and funny and unobtrusive, she helps me gang up on Roy when he gets out of line and does a lot of housework which is great.  Having been raised in India in a typical style as well as losing my FIL 5 years ago, she has suffered her share of scarcity and hardships, so coming here and living in this style must be a HUGE adjustment for her, but she never shows it.  Which is one of the things I really appreciate and admire about the Indian people I know.  You might think it is easy to adapt to a higher living style, but think about it- she can't speak the language, can't walk to her usual stores or get around town, the house is very different and not what she is used to, she can only call relatives (including her daughters) vs see anyone else that looks like her.   I've been to India many times, so I get how lonely these changes become.

Although she is very easy to get along with, the style of living changes a bit when she is here.  Not in a bad way, just different.  In my experience, Indian people stay up later at night and therefore sleep in.  They are not big on breakfast, but typically make a giant lunch and then like to nap. Lots of TV and movie watching, visiting with relatives.  All these things I don't specifically enjoy.  Although I made it clear that the spice kitchen is hers to use and make whatever she wants, I don't want to typically eat soggy vegetables and rice or bread everyday, so I made sure my husband explained to her not to feel bad if I don't eat it.  I will eat it sometimes, but certainly not everyday.  Food has the potential to be a big point of contention for us, so it's better to just stay out of it.  I don't make her eat my sandwiches, wraps, salads, and other American type foods and there should be no hard feelings about me not eating Indian food daily.  Although she is certainly willing to try and appears to like some American food, I know it is unrealistic to expect her to eat it everyday, even though I personally cannot understand how someone eats vegetable curry and rice everyday, but that's neither here nor there.

Other than food, we are all just settling into some realm of 'normal'.  I had a lot of fun creating a lovely room for her and she does spend a lot of time in there, as right now Roy is in 'her TV room' using it as an office.  It works for now just fine.   I've been trying to teach her to do things around the house like laundry or gardening, just to keep her occupied.  Roy has her teaching Shivali more Bengali and Hindu prayers, anything to keep her from watching 80 hrs a day of TV.  It's going to start getting cold here, so not sure how the winter is going to go, but we'll take it one day at a time.

I do want to continue to use this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings.  Along the way, several of my Indian friends and family members have signed up to follow along.  I've already decided I'm not going to censor anything I say or feel, that would negate the purpose of this blog.  My intent is never to offend, but to write honestly and openly about my experiences and thoughts of living an Indian blended lifestyle.   I believe most of them know I come from a place of curiosity, but am blunt and sarcastic at times in how my style and cultural norms mesh with theirs. 

I also have a few stories and pictures I meant to share from the wedding last year- shame on me for not getting to it, but it's in my plan for the near future here, so stick around!