Going, going, gone...

Even though the process of staying at a wedding house which contains upwards of 30 guests proves to be mentally and physically exhausting, it is still somehow sad on some level to see them go.

Most stay a day or 2 past the wedding, and then one by one they seem to disappear. Each leave in a dramatic whirlwind of hugs, kisses, and feet touching (depending on where they fall in the elder hierarchy). They are walked all the way down and everyone waves after the cab like the leaving relative is going off to war.  It is sweet and dramatic at the same time. 

The house today is totally empty, which is a sigh of relief for all. The stress of having so many people over, having to feed them, they utilize all your facilities (including someone taking the liberty of swiping my body soap!), having to pay for their transportation, and just the overall mess of having so many people around is overwhelming at times. The house had slowly normalized and the furniture is all put back and the rental 'beds' and pillows(don't get me started) will be picked up tonight.

You might be wondering why I haven't written about the wedding specifically and that is because I am a little technically challenged this round and don't have a laptop to use or a way to get my DSLR pics uploaded here so honestly the beauty of the wedding will be lost without the pictures so I would rather wait to share.

Next up- a wedding reception in thesmall town of Guwahati in India's far Northern belt which borders Bangladesh and Bhutan on either side. Never a dull moment!

The Night the A/C Won

In Indian culture it is very common to have extended house guests and for them to just basically setup camp in your livingroom. Nobody seems to mind or feels inconvenienced at all- and if they do they would never show it.

I have always felt this was well beyond my comfort zone and have always slept in the back bedroom with the kids and Roy(which for most people I know would be less than ideal in itself).

With the extreme heat in Bangalore this year, Roy decided to break down and buy an A/C unit. Whole house A/C is basically unheard of here due to the building construction being of full concrete and the high energy costs. The unit he purchased is for the wall and meant to support 1 room, but in true Roy people-pleasing style he didn't want the relatives to feel slighted by it being in our room and not where they can benefit even though I am positive none of them have any A/C in their homes to date. Roy's solution was to put the unit in the hall leading to the bedrooms which also blows into the living room. 

Because of the size of the apartment, power of the unit, and volume of relatives we have here the thing hardly cools the hallway, leave alone multiple rooms. I have made due with the ceiling fan on high and a standing air cooler which requires tons of water dumped in daily and produces only slightly cooler air.

With most of the relatives gone, Roy suggested we pull our mattress out and sleep under the A/C tonight. I was hesitant for all the reasons you can image but ultimately gave in.  It's kinda like a big grade school sleepover, wall to wall people on the floor on these little mats. 

As always, I'll find a way to just make due and not think too much about laying on the floor with 10 distant relatives just to try and catch a little A/C.   

Most people are asleep now or just pretending not to be irritated by the light of my phone. I guess it's time to try and sleep- it's after 1am. Gotta admit the air feels good and somehow this isn't as awkward as it should be. Night!

The Sixth Sense

You know how they say when someone loses one sense that it sharpens others? Well, I have spent the majority of my time in India not understanding what anyone is saying. I have described this in the past as something like background music that you almost learn to tune out. 

I realized something this week that I think I have developed somewhat of a sixth sense when I am here. It is amazing how much time I spend talking and thinking about what I am going to say next, but when that ability is almost completely taken away from me then something else kicks in. It is somewhat of an ability to read people and really clue into what is going on as opposed to what their words are saying.

For example, I rode in a cab home from the wedding with my sister in law and mother in law and the entire time they carried on a somewhat spirited conversation. I questioned my sister in law on what they were discussing and she immediately said it was how happy they were to have all the wedding pressure over and how well everything went. I knew immediately this was a lie and I just smiled and said- no I don't think that is it. She laughed and divulged the real story about some relative drama. 

I spend a lot of 'quiet' time sitting in the living room with our closest 30 relatives just observing and tuning in to gestures and body language. I notice a lot of insincere comments and forced smiles. Indian culture is complicated, and generally there is a lot of talking behind backs and 2 faced conversations.  I know some of the main offenders but also I am finding it is easy to spot the ones who are not.

I met a new Aunt this week who I have nicknamed Quiet Aunt. She is so calm and peaceful and seemingly unobtrusive. She came into my room this afternoon to give me a 'small' gift, which turned out to be a pair of 22 K gold dangle earrings. Amazing. It never ceases to amaze me about the kindness and generosity of my extended family members. There is apparently a certain level of obligation in Indian culture when you first meet a daughter in law, but I knew Quiet Aunt gave this from the heart which is extremely touching.

A cute older gentleman they call Gobra (yes, I do say cobra in my mind each time to remember) Kaku (uncle) has been watching me take ice cold water from the tiny freezer, and today he filled a bunch of small bottles he knew would freeze faster and put them in there for me. Such a small gesture that speaks volumes. Him and someone called Billi Uncle were my father in law's close friends so it is very considerate for them to show up at hisdaughter's  wedding in which he himself could not be present.

It is some of these small things I have picked up which makes India just a little bit easier to cope with.

The Gang is All Here

Or at least that is what I am assuming. I woke up to even more relatives in the house this morning. This place is like a clown car, they just keep appearing.

This is pretty much how the house looks at all times, and actually there are many in the downstairs apartment we are borrowing 2 rooms from and some yet across the street. And since it's the wedding day, many are out running around doing last minute preparations and what not.

I am super groggy today as it was so hot to sleep I got up in the middle of the night and took a sleeping pill. I knew I shouldn't but at the time I didn't care. I think people are starting to feel bad for me as I found a whole freezer full of ice water this morning, which was a welcome sight. Even in the tiny fridge level freezer the water takes many hours to even get cold and all the luxury of ice makers or even room to make ice in trays is not available here. 

We are leaving in a bit for the beauty parlor. Apparently there is a lady who will help with the sari setup and I guess she can also do my hair which should be an interesting experience. 

We had a great night yesterday at the henna party and later the relatives had a little dance party. 

Off to the wedding prep now!

What Losing It Looks Like - Day 3

India has a cruel way or reminding you periodically that you are not at home and causing an all-out shutdown. For me, this happened earlier today after spending the morning on rituals in the hot sun and the frustration of spending several days not understanding what is going on or what anyone is talking about. 

As much as I try and blend in, there are simply some instances where I just cannot conform. I literally cannot find the ability within myself to just make do with whatever food is served, or whatever odd ritual request they have asked of me, or get by with yet another lonely period of time goes by when Roy is off doing some wedding preparation and I am here alone trying to be normal.

I was sitting on the floor, sweating in the back bedroom for this latest meltdown as Roy was attempting to catch me up on whatever wedding activities are coming up next. I felt it come on suddenly, not being any one specific thing it was just a cocktail of being constantly hot and sweaty/jet lag/and general frustration with being totally at the mercy of my environment.

Roy took me along to meet with the groom's brother and have lunch. By some act of God, the restaurant had continental food which meant cheesy pasta with a Caesar salad. It helped for awhile but upon returning home I was feeling totally jet lagged and the house is for sure upwards of 90 degrees. I laid down and slept for some time only to wake up after 10pm in a sweat. Vali was out playing with the relatives in the living room and shortly I learned nobody had eaten dinner.  Everyone is always very concerned if we have eaten or not, but I am still at a loss why anyone would want to eat this late at night. 

Just as another breakdown was approaching, I dug around in Vali's bag for any remnants of the snacks I sent with her and came up with this- jackpot! 

I learned around 11 dinner was ready- get this, potato curry (and the dreaded gobi) and fried bread. I can't make this up people..... 

Sweat, Relatives, and a Mercedes Benz

That pretty much sums up my last few days, with extra emphasis on the sweat.  I am told it is unseasonably hot in Bangalore right now, but to me it is always hot.  This may be a little more than I was planning on, but as always I am doing what I can to cope.


So, let me back you into what is happening here since landing in Bangalore a day and a half ago.
With me arriving just days before the wedding is set to take place, several of the relatives were already here and had setup camp (meaning: they were sleeping everywhere in the living room when I arrived at 2am).   There is always a certain level of translation gap which happens as they all talk amongst themselves and periodically someone attempts to catch me up.  The latest confusion was a request for me to take a picture of Town Uncle for either a marriage photograph or his death, whichever happens first.   As always, I smile and everyone just looks at me and laughs.  I guess there is an entertainment factor in seeing who can create the most confusion on my face.


As we begin the pre wedding rituals, the crowd and heat has become practically unbearable.  I basically just try and sit still somewhere with the goal of limiting the amount of sweat dripping down my face.  Even with the ceiling fans on top speed, windows open, air coolers running and the periodic running of the A/C Roy installed it is still hotter than Hadies in this apartment. Most of the relatives don't seem to mind, but do comment to me about how hot it is which I am pretty sure is just to make me feel better about looking like a melted snowman.


We have begun the process of cooking and eating on the rooftop deck, which is always an experience.  Yesterday's breakfast came around noon (after I had already found my way through 2 pieces of toasted bread with a cheese slice on each) which consisted of potato curry and fried bread on a banana leaf plate.   One of the most difficult adjustments for me is in eating style here.  It isn't just the food itself, it is the timing and structure of it all which is most difficult for me.  Even though the relatives are up early, they typically just drink tea and then don't eat anything until this 'breakfast' level meal is served.  I wasn't even aware that yesterday's meal was breakfast until after someone informed me around 3 or 4 that it was time for lunch.  It seems this potato/fried bread combination is a catch-all meal since we have also had it for lunch and dinner other times.  It should have been no surprise to me that we had the same 'breakfast' today, but this time around 11. While I definitely enjoy most Indian food, I find that having similiar tasting food everyday for all means is just not that appealing to me- especially in 100+ heat.


Some of the relatives are starting to feel sorry for me I think.  I Love You Aunt sent for cold soda for me this afternoon, she probably thought I was just moments away from melting into the floor.  There is a nice breeze today which is making it slightly nicer than the last 2 days, weather wise at least, however more relatives have arrived today so there will be even less personal space in this apartment which is why I have retreated to the back bedroom for a little solidarity and thought collection.


Yesterday my dear husband had the plan to rent a car for use in shopping and various errands.  In true Roy style he rented a Mercedes, which he swears is the same price as other cars that size.  The good news is the A/C was powerful and the car itself was comfortable.  I noticed a strange dynamic as we drove through the crowded streets of Bangalore.  People were more-so staring at the car instead of me, which was a nice change of events.   With the small, crowded streets the best mode of transportation here is motorcycle, however some people opt for a super small car.


I noticed many of the other roadway occupants giving us the right of way and just overall maintaining a distance that you don't typically find here.  It was a nice change of pace and gave us 3 a nice little break away from the chaos at home.  Vali convinced Roy to take us to McDonalds on the way home, and although I wasn't that hungry it was a nice change of pace from potato curry and fried bread.


I'm not exactly sure what events are coming up next.  I try and just understand what is going on at the moment, versus worry about what is coming up next.  I am fairly confident whatever it is will involve a large amount of Indian relatives, high heat, and lots of conversation I don't understand.

An Indian Wedding: The Sequel

It could be debated that the fear of what is known is greater than the fear of the unknown, but this is exactly the thought that crosses my mind as I make my final preparations for our last chapter in the Indian wedding saga.  Since returning from their visit here in August, my mother in law and youngest sister in law have been able to track down a worthy suitor in which they have determined is fit for a marriage which will take place in just over a week.

Having been through the process before and knowing this will be our final time dealing with all the complexities of an Indian marriage, I have a lot of mixed feelings about attending.  Experience buys you a certain amount of knowledge which can be reapplied to make things easier the second time around, but then again I am fully aware that some things are just simply challenging with no way around it.

I understand that many of the same cast of characters have signed on for this sequel which should make things consistent and interesting and likely consistently interesting:   The cook, the priest, the candlestick maker- jk.  But most of the same aunts and uncles will be making an appearance-  Naked Uncle, Short Uncle, South African Uncle, I love you Aunt, Oldest Aunt who eats these weird leaves.

I have also learned of some new supporting roles which have been cast:  Someone I call Town Uncle who will play the part of: Unmarried town troublemaker from the village the Roy family grew up in. A hybrid family friend/town elder/dirty old man. I've heard enough stories about this person to know that you can rest assured that the first appearance of Town Uncle will be as notorious as the Joker from Batman. Stay tuned.

Another new Aunt will also be joining the show:  Projector cousin's mom.  She wasn't able to attend the first family wedding due to the apparent need to attend a wedding on her daughter's in-law family side which apparently has since become a non issue due to 'divorce'. (meaning: the husband and wife don't live together and nobody will tell you why, nor are you allowed to talk about it)

There are several other distant relatives and family friends who have yet to be specifically named, but I feel confident they will add a good dynamic to the already chaotic atmosphere.   And before you ask, yes they are all staying with us in the tiny 2 bedroom/2 bathroom apartment where the festivities took place last screening.   We have apparently secured 2 rooms in the downstairs neighbor's apartment for some of the guests, which I assumed meant they were not going to be home but as always I guessed wrong.  You may think it is odd for random relatives to stay with random neighbors, but once again nobody else does.

My biggest apprehensions about this final production:

• Weather.  Just as it gets to be sunny and 70's here, I am trading that in for 108 and humid. (and yet someone will definitely be in a hat and coat- just watch)
• Loss of all personal space.  This is normal in India so I should be prepared for it, but having just spent 2 weeks without Roy and Shivali I feel even less prepared at the moment.
• Chicken bones.  As much as I enjoy Indian food here, the down home authentic stuff there sometimes ends up being a little disappointing to me.  It might be the heat, or the preparation methods, or the 'confusion' over what is truly boneless, or possibly it is watching people shove their entire unwashed hand into a giant gooey pile of God knows what and then directly into their mouth.  I guess any of those are possible.
• Zoo animal sympathy.  I never thought about what it would be like to be a zoo animal until I visited a place where nobody looks like me and many people stare, take pictures, or point.  Most is relatively harmless, but over time it makes me feel really annoyed.
• 'Nice' places.  I have been fast to pick up on the fact that definitions of common words vary widely within the world based on who you ask.  Something as simple as a nice place can easily turn into a major issue when you have one idea in your head and someone else has another. My biggest fear at the moment is the 'nice' hotel the groom's family booked for us for our stay in their hometown for the wedding reception.

All in all, I am excited to go and be reunited with my husband and daughter and see everyone again. Prepare to be entertained and educated. In spite of the above, the show must go on!  Not all sequels are worth sitting through, but guaranteed this one won't be a low budget flop!

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