A trip with a purpose....

I guess anyone who blogs feels like this sometimes, and although I am not a regular blogger (posting only when traveling to India) I still feel unsure sometimes if I want to tell my story, spend the time doing it, or simply wondering if anyone really cares. I guess it is easy for people to judge and make assumptions, but bottom line is: Do I care? Do I do this for others or me??  

As I sit down to write this introductory post on the eve of our next trip to India I feel generally happy and excited to be writing.  Life has a funny way of taking you on a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings- just when you think you understand them, you get flipped around or turned on your side and your whole perspective changes.

The reality for me at this moment is I do like to share and I feel privileged to be able to experience so many wonderful cultural differences and I hope I can help educate and entertain everyone who reads this.

First I would like to share a little about the purpose of our trip.  Of course most of you know that my entire extended family lives in India, so it is of course a no-brainer that we would travel there regularly to visit them.  Unfortunately we don't get there as much as we like- with work, costs, and everyday logistics we generally only go once a year.  Thankfully this last winter, my MIL was able to travel here (first time out of India) for 3 months to visit.  I think it is safe to say she enjoyed it:

Ok, maybe not the -50 degree weather, but everything else.

As most Americans would feel, I wasn't exactly sure about how a 3 month house guest would work out, but it turned out to be a wonderful experience and she is sweet and kind and helpful and I welcome her anytime.

So, back to the purpose of our trip.  Unfortunately, my FIL lost his battle with cancer last year in May. My husband and Shivali were by his side, as well as many of the family members there.  It was a devastating loss as you can imagine and in Hindu culture the family spends the next year 'unclean', meaning they will not participate in rituals or religious events and, etc. and the deceased's soul is not fully at rest.  So, with the 1 year anniversary just past, we are traveling to India to perform the 1 year rituals which will send his soul free and 'cleanse' the family. 

The tree we purchased for our yard in my FIL's name, along with the memory plaque
I got for Roy. The tree opened it's first bloom- just one single bloom,
on the 1 year anniversary of the date of his death....
A coincidence?.....not in my world.

I have always had mixed feelings about not traveling to India when my FIL died.  Roy and Shivali had been gone almost a month when he passed, and between work, home responsibilities, and cost we decided it was not necessary for me to go.  I knew there was nothing I could do in traveling there, but the last thing I wanted was to create an image that I didn't care- because nothing was further from the truth.   

So, the 1 year rituals are very important and therefore we are all coming (Roy, Shivali, Jordan and I)- unfortunately with Kaila's 2 jobs and school there is no opportunity for her to come along. Why do they have to grow up???

I would like to dedicate this post to my Father-in-Law.  I had only met him a handful of times, and he didn't speak much English to the point that we could carry on long conversations, but the time I spent with him was very important.  Let me paint the picture for you-  His firstborn is a son, an only son in the family and first son /child born into the relation.  He puts every ounce of his being into providing his son with the best he can afford, keeping him in line, and ensuring he has the best opportunity for the future. While this is a typical scenario in Indian culture, my impression is he went above and beyond what most fathers would do.  He was strict, but loving and sometimes harsh, but at the end of the day everything he did was in the name of raising a son to be proud of whom would take care of them in the future.

So, this only firstborn son marries an American- what????  Oh, and without them knowing.  Oh, and they are having the first Grandchild.  He goes crazy, right?  Disowns the son?  Nope,  this simple man who probably never dreamed something like that would happen accepted me with nothing but open arms.  Was he concerned, probably....but he never showed that to me.  It is amazing to me that if someone who is raised in such a small village in India, with such deeply rooted cultural beliefs and norms can accept something so major why can't the rest of us learn to be more accepting of such less significant happenings????

To me, he was quiet and sweet.  He was very unassuming and humble. He literally dedicated his entire life to his wife and children, surviving on minimal resources to ensure the kids had a good education (not something to be taken for granted in India and something CRITICAL to a child's future).  There is hardly such as thing as good quality, free public education like we take for granted here in the US.  My FIL sunk practically every dollar he had into sending Roy and his sisters to private schools (some Catholic- how ironic...) and ensuring they had what they needed to be successful.   Roy tells stories of how he tried to avoid studying and homework, only to take the full wrath of his father when he returned from work and how he never understood why his dad didn't have money for video games or toys, but had plenty of effort to beat him when he didn't get good grades or finish his homework on time.

It probably seems harsh, and to most people here- unimaginable, but all this pain and effort was put into making Roy the person he is today.  And while not perfect (duh, who is), he has exceeded any possible expectation his father had- just in a different way.   I sometimes almost fault Roy for being so adaptable and open to change and new experiences, because he makes it look so easy I almost forget he wasn't brought up here.  There are definitely times when this bubbles up to the surface and creates conflict. Between culture differences, religion, food, discipline for our children, we were raised on almost opposite sides of the spectrum but somehow we fight through it (ok, sometimes literally) to make it work and be happy.  It is sometimes difficult to articulate how challenging, yet rewarding this is for me.

So, bottom line is my FIL was a great person and a foundation for the family.  With him gone, I'm not sure how India will feel to us while we are there.  I'm sure there will be a lot of sad times, as with any passing, I try and think of the good times and look to the future for change and opportunities that come with any shift in a situation.  Roy is now responsible for his Mother and youngest unmarried sister, something he doesn't take lightly.  Although sometimes difficult for me to understand, abandoning them in their time of need would be even more difficult to understand. (the unfortunate reality for some widows in India)  So, we are in it for the long haul, not knowing with the future holds, but doing our level best to make good decisions with the greater good in mind every step of the way.

We all miss you Baba.......

Love at first sight.....

                                     

He was so tolerate of Shivali's antics....

He loved this suit I picked out for him for Debika's wedding. It fit practically perfect
and  I got it on the other side of the planet, without his measurements.

I knew this picture would be critically important someday soon the second I took it.

He loved to play with Shivali- whatever crazy game she had in mind.

I had to insist they smile.

One of my all time favorites....like Dadu, like baby....